Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

WARNING - There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email, do not open it. It's SPAM

[yamanx]

Dog 1: “Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree, 4 letters.”
Dog 2: “Woof?”

Dog 1: “You’re not even bloody trying.”

[biffsgasgas]

Do they have these in the UK?

Up north here they have a prime location.

--Biff

[the addict]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care ...with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a*** and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[gizza5]

Little Johnnys' parents had tried everything to help his maths grade: 
tutors, detention, Maths online, special learning centres, everything. 
Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school. 
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. 
His mother was amazed. 
Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnny was hard at work. 
As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. 
This went on for weeks until Little Johnny proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents: 
An A in Maths! 
"Johnny! This is great! 
I'm so proud of you! Son. 
What was it? 
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" 
Little Tommy shook his head. 
"Well, then, was it the books? 
The discipline? 
The structure? 
The uniforms? 
What was it?" 
Little Johnny looked at her and said, 
"Well, Mum, it's like this. 
When I saw that guy out in the hallway almost naked and nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't messing around!"

[gizza5]

[pa.]

[pa.]

[laird387]

 A Husband is Down in Aisle 5!!

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £20 for 24 cans" he replies. 
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a £40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5. 

 

[pa.]

[laird387]

Hi

[laird387]

The Glasgow Copper

 

A smart a*** London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,    " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says,     "What for?" 

Glasgow cop says,     "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says,  "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 

Glasgow cop says,      "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"   

London Lawyer says,   "What's the difference?" 

Glasgow cop says,     "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" 

London Lawyer says,   "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.  

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or jist slow doon?

 

 

 

[laird387]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

 

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

 

 

[laird387]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:   "Father, during World War II, 

a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide 

her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favours.  This happened several 

times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in 

great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. 

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."

 

 

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

 

[the addict]

Sorry if I've posted this one before but its worth a repost lol

 

Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!