the addict Posted January 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2016 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted January 27, 2016 Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you gonna jump or not? I said, No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine." "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first." Edited January 27, 2016 by pa. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. "Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use Edited January 28, 2016 by laird387 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzuki250 Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzuki250 Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 (edited) A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some a**hole has my pen!" Edited January 28, 2016 by suzuki250 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted January 29, 2016 Report Share Posted January 29, 2016 The inventor of autocorrect has died.I didn't even know he was i'll .... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted January 29, 2016 Report Share Posted January 29, 2016 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2016 The inventor of autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was i'll .... lol, I've pinched that for elsewhere, ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 lol, I've pinched that for elsewhere, ha What is so funny here? That is sad! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandad in the hospital "How are you, Grandad?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?!" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 30, 2016 Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be very disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"..... Like 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 What is so funny here? That is sad! You are joking Mark? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2016 I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish ? "She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick *******!!!!! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 You are joking Mark? You should be ashamed of yourself. Ill report pilfering! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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