Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ... You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

[the addict]

_{A teacher called Mrs. Franny, arrived at school on her first day. She met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Fanny." Mrs Franny sighed, "It's not Fanny, it's Franny. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Fanny." The principal saw how upset Mrs. Franny was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Franny down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!" Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt."..}

 

[the addict]

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor ******* must have wondered what the **** was going on...

[the addict]

_{My wife accused me of being a transvestite.}

 

_{So I packed her things and left...}

 

[kinell]

Can't believe this old thread is still going strong! I blame Gaz Hinton...

[atomant]

[pa.]

[michael_t]

Murphy's Laws _ part 2

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Texas would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[slapshot 3]

Can't believe this old thread is still going strong! I blame Gaz Hinton...

 

The Addict has been a superstar in keeping "Kenny" tripping along nicely...... Kenny is a legend

 

PS

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"Nein, I am chust here for a few days."

Edited April 21, 2016 by slapshot 3

[slapshot 3]

The charitable organization, United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… . . no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly”, says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea”.

And the lawyer says, “So . . . if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you”.

[slapshot 3]

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Gary says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Gary, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Gary continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was engaged?” “Well in that case,” persevered Gary, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?” “Oh well then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill.”

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”

Came the answer, “Because he’s never seen a train crash before.”

Edited April 21, 2016 by slapshot 3

[laird387]

You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle.

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, 

Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, James, 

Philip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon

. . . all of whom drank wine!

Now that's what I call a miracle!   

 

[the addict]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

[baldilocks]

Addict I like that I can tell it to my kids tomorrow

[spen]

An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to
the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in
case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be
found
locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond
necklace for his wife, and $100,000 in appreciation for the blood
donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgical
procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more
than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and
a box of chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him:-
"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a
BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you
card and a crappy box of chocolates?"


To this the Arab replied:-
"Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."