Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

UK certain age humour

[atomant]

[the addict]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazillion?"

Edited August 13, 2016 by the addict

[gizza5]

Dear Problem Page,

I am a sailor in the British Navy.

My parents live in a suburb of Birmingham and one of my sisters, who lives in Solihul, is married to a guy from Manchester.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Moss side.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Strangeways, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in the local remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Burton - Upon - Trent and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

We intend to marry as soon as possible, and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team, although I would prefer them not to continue to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets, and hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scotsman?

[b40rt]

Thought the punch line was "should I tell her I ride a BMW"

[biffsgasgas]

OMG I have been riding my new Beta for the past couple of weeks....

 

 

Most mornings I can not wait to take a spin on it... Sitting down as it warms up is preferable.

 

 

I have to say that its not to uncomfortable.... very very rigid.

 

 

after i have had several hours to gain my own balance I can ride it standing up. Most trials riders need that good morning cup of coffee to get their sea legs (tea for those islanders).

 

Had a couple of US pros take a ride on her the other week to validate its true skill set and apparently it does not disappoint. 

 

I really really like the new white shiny graphics! I gotta say that they make it look really really clean... 

 

For those that know me i am a diehard GasGas fan when i ride trials but every morning when I get on my Beta i find a sense of release that GasGas can not provide. Its a glorious release of tension....  

 

 

May I present to you my new ride... Seat up isn't the normal setup... I usually run rain mode....

 

 

--Biff

[copemech]

OMG I have been riding my new Beta for the past couple of weeks....

 

 

Most mornings I can not wait to take a spin on it... Sitting down as it warms up is preferable.

 

 

I have to say that its not to uncomfortable.... very very rigid.

 

 

after i have had several hours to gain my own balance I can ride it standing up. Most trials riders need that good morning cup of coffee to get their sea legs (tea for those islanders).

 

Had a couple of US pros take a ride on her the other week to validate its true skill set and apparently it does not disappoint. 

 

I really really like the new white shiny graphics! I gotta say that they make it look really really clean... 

 

For those that know me i am a diehard GasGas fan when i ride trials but every morning when I get on my Beta i find a sense of release that GasGas can not provide. Its a glorious release of tension....  

 

 

May I present to you my new ride... Seat up isn't the normal setup... I usually run rain mode....

 

 

--Biff

That is just wrong, Biff!

[laird387]

A man fell asleep on the beach in Queensland for four

hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the

front of his legs above his knee.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after

being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe

pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous

intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative,

and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will

Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,

but it'll keep the sheets off his legs

!!!

 

[spen]

Airline Announcements:

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

************ ********* ********* *******

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

************ ********* ********* *******

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

************ ********* ********* *******

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

************ ********* ********* *********

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

************ ********* ********* *******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

************ ********* ********* *******

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

************ ********* ********* *****

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

************ ********* ********* *****

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[laird387]

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.

The wife had a

 

wooden leg

 and to insure it in Britain was

 

£2000.00

 a year

!

When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*

 

I often do find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

 

[slapshot 3]

http://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/brave-cop-decorated-paint/

 

You need to read this, I'm not sure if it's legit or if Justin is moving into journalism.... some of the rest of it is just as funny.  You must visit the Lady Garden..... and read about her crack :chairfall: :chairfall:

[the addict]

[slapshot 3]

Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message;

370HSSV 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.

Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."

[spen]

 

Truisms . . . .

 

1.          If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 

 

2.          I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

 

3.          Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

 

4.          I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

 

5.          Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

6.           I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

7.           If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

8.          Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

 

9.          Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

 

10.          Take my advice — I'm not using it.

 

11.          I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

 

12.          Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

 

13.          Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

 

14.          I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

 

15.          Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more talented fool.

 

16.          I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

 

17.          Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

 

18.          If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

 

19.          A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

20.          Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

 

21.          When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

 

22.          My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

 

23.          There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

 

24.          Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

 

25.          Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 

26.          He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

27.          Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

 

28.          Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

 

29.          I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

 

30.          Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

31.          The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

 

32.          I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. 

 

33.          I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

 

34.          If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

35.          Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

 

36.          If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

 

37.          Money is the root of all wealth.

 

38.          No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

[laird387]

HANDYMAN HUSBAND

 

Wife texts her handy husband at work on a cold winter morning:

"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

 

Husband texts back:

"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER

OVER THE EDGES

AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY

WITH HAMMER"

 

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

 

 

 

"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW’’