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the addict

Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

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--Biff

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The doctor said I was old and out of shape ans suggested a aerobic  program.

 

I can do this!

 

 

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Is she the chick off American Pickers ?

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17 hours ago, steveo said:

Is she the chick off American Pickers ?

Hell yea! Nothing better than a Fat Bottom Girl!  They make the world go'round!:wub:

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    Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch
   Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. 
 Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.  Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. 

  Jan explains that  after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali. 

  Sue relates that  she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy. 

  Mary explains that  after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a  tropical bird park in Mississauga and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. 

  Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.  Sue, chastened and  encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray. 


  Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg....

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Whilst attending a Marriage Weekend, 
My wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the

Things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,

And whispered, 
 

   'Self-raising, isn't it?'
 
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A man washed up on a beach
after a shipwreck.
 
Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed-up with him.
 
After looking around, he
realised that they were
stranded on a deserted
 
island.
 

After being there a while, he
got into the habit of taking
his two animal
 
companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sunset.
 

One particular evening, the
sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus
 
clouds, the breeze was warm
and gentle - a perfect night
for romance.
 

As they sat there, the sheep
started looking better and
better to the lonely
 
man.
 
Soon, he leaned over to the
sheep and put his arm around
it.
 

The sheepdog, ever-protective
of the sheep,
 
growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the
sheep.
 

After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no
more cuddling.
 

A few weeks passed-by and, lo
and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
 

The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland's First Minister. 
                                 
 

That evening, the man brought
Nicola to the evening beach
ritual. It was another
beautiful evening - red sky
cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a
night of romance.
 

Pretty soon, the man started
to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as
he could but he finally gave
in and leaned over to Nicola 
and told her he hadn't had sex
for months.
 

Nicola batted her eyelashes
and asked if there was
anything she could do for
 
him?
 

He said, 'Take the dog for a
walk.'
 
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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist 
asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,  address, medical insurance number and told
him to have a  seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked
Kevin  what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote
down his height,  weight, a complete medical history and
told Kevin to wait in the examining  room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he 
had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An  hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting
patiently in the  nude and asked Kevin what he had.


Kevin  said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on  the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 
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When a feminist asked me recently, "How do you view Lesbian relationships?"

Apparently, "Preferably in 4K Ultra HD" was NOT the answer she was looking for.

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A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
 

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
 
 
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone.
 
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" 

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.

"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Modify message
 
 
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Little Larry....


A schoolteacher started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' 




Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'are you giving up?'




Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "






Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom .....'

 

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WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced Tuesday it had awarded a sole-source contract to United Airlines for work related to the forcible removal of President Bashar al-Assad from Syria.

The contract, worth $2.1 billion, tasks the airline company with locating Assad, grabbing him from his seat in the presidential palace, and “dragging him out of Damascus by his arms.” The contract also notes that Assad should be “asked several times, politely” to give up his seat of power, though if he refuses, United workers should bloody his nose up a bit, according to the posting at FedBizOpps.

 

assadunited-750x430.jpg

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