Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[copemech]

I thought there was 25 letters in the alphabet.............

I dont know Y.............

Ya dunno S........... either!

[ham2]

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex

The wife's back on the warpath again. . . Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I really should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for quite some time, the wife and I were going to commit suicide together yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a whole lot better. So I thought, sod it, I'll soldier on!

I woke up this morning at Eight, and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! As you can imagine, I totally panicked. I didn't know what to do.. . . . . .Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30 AM.

Yess, oh, yesss, that's more like it

[steveo]

As You Mature, It's The Little Things That Don't Seem To Matter As Much As They used To!

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." Seems like my six pack has evovlved into a keg.

I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I got caught taking a p*** in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?

I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a ****?

[steveo]

An 80 year old Irishman goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a mug of Guinness, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Irish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little Guinness and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandfather is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Gramps couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

[the addict]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Definitely pinching this one lol, thanks Steveo.

[pa.]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum.

[pa.]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

[pa.]

A guy, who was not feeling at all well, went to the hospital to have tests done.
Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.
Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......
The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."
The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?
The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."
"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself.
Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."
The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza?
Will that help cure me?"
"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can think of which we can slip under the bloody door...."

[laird387]

Hi,

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Heather - put yer hat and coat on, lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Mac that's nice - are ye taking me tae the pub with ye?'
'Nay.' Mac replied 'I'm turning the heater off while I'm oot.'

[laird387]

Hi,

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need serious help!

[the addict]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"... replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says," Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again.
"with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

[copemech]

Hi,

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need serious help!

roumi yakoo!

[copemech]

Totally forked!

[atomant]

That takes a whole new meaning to the phrase, " Taking a fork in the road "

[copemech]

I keep this in office to remind myself of things! It is a squirrel with a heart on!