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Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour


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First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.


'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'


Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.


St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'



The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'


And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

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Hi,

"A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same
thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He
waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get
that condom on” she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they
are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the
PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what
you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke
detector."

And what were you thinking?

I worry about you sometimes..................

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An Air Force Captain was about to commence morning briefings to his staff. Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He therefore posed the question of just how much sex was "hard work and how much of it was ultimate pleasure".

A Wing Commander piped up & stated that 75-25% in favour of Hard Work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded by saying that it was 25-75% in favour of Ultimate Pleasure.

There being no consensus the Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion on the subject.

Without hesitation the young Corporal responded: "Sir, it has to be 100% Ultimate Pleasure".

The Captain was surprised at the Corporals response and asked him to elaborate on his answer.

The Corporal then replied: "Well Sir, if there was any hard work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them".

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Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. " I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog.

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A WOMAN ALLWAYS HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD ????

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip of his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon full and then say '1-2-3' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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A young man went to the doctor with an embarrassing problem.
He explained to the doc, "I feel fine but, my thingy has turned yellow!"
The doc asked, "It's your first visit here so let's take down a few details. What do you do for a living?"
He replied, "Well, I was recently laid off, so I'm unemployed at the moment".
The doc asked, "Well, what do you do with your time?"
He responded, "Not a lot to be honest. I watch internet porn and eat Twisties!"

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Bloke goes to the doctor with a sore arm. Doctor takes a quick look and says "Tennis elbow."

Incensed with the very quick diagnosis, the bloke says "You can't tell me it's tennis elbow by just looking at it!"

The doctor sighs. "Ok then, give me a urine sample and we'll run it through the new computer."

So the bloke brings back the little cup, the doctor puts a few drops into the machine, and after a bit of humming a report is printed. The doctor reads it and shows it to the bloke: "Tennis Elbow."

The bloke is even more annoyed now and decides to fool the machine. He goes home and gathers a few fluids in order to confuse the computer.
Firstly he gets his daughter to provide a urine sample, then his son, he goes to the garage and adds some oil from his car, then to top it off he gives himself some manual relief and adds the result to the mix.

Next day he goes back to the doctor and says he's still really worried about his arm and could the computer check again. The doctor sighs but hands him a sample pot and sends him to the toilet.

Chuckling to himself, the bloke gets out the fluids he collected, adds them to the pot and takes them back to the doctor. Doctor puts a few drops into the machine.

The computer hums along for much longer this time, with the occasional click and whir. The bloke thinks "Yes! I've broken the smart-ass!"

Just as he's about to leave in triumph, the computer beeps and starts printing out the report. The doctor reads it then solemnly hands it to the bloke:

"Diagnosis:
- Your daughter is pregnant.
- Your son is smoking pot.
- Your car is overdue for a service.
- And if you don't stop ****ing, your tennis elbow will never get better!!"

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Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:-

Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair,

and the re's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

That is right son, but did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

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Some nurses just drive me MAD ! ! ! ! !
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?"
Or.... "are we ready for a bath?" Or... "are we hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
Anyway ( Get to the point will ya ! ! ) Yesterday morning at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted. . . . . . . I just smiled!

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  • 3 weeks later...

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the

Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard, “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is further up.” And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

'No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!”

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  • 2 weeks later...

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's a$se, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to

take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

> "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

> The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

> Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

> "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

> "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

> "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the doctor.

> "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

> 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

> "Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

> "I put drops in her eyes."

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