Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

Hi,

 

A novel approach?

[laird387]

 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said  to his priest,  "I  almost had an affair with another woman."

 

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
 

 The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and  rubbed together, but then I stopped."  
 

The priest thought for a moment, then decided, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.   He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in........................"

[the addict]

Police pulls over Paddy for speeding
"have you been drinking Sir?" Paddy replies
"yes officer i've had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes."
Police says
"what the hell are you doing driving ??"...
Paddy replies
"I couldn't ****in walk''

[michael_t]

Funny thing is I once saw a guy drive up on a motorcycle with out any problem but when he got off he was obviously wasted and could hardly walk I asked him why he was driving and he said he couldn't %@#ing walk - True story -

[the addict]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

 

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your h...air again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your knob and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

Edited April 23, 2015 by the addict

[the_oil_baron]

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. Amen...

[the_oil_baron]

[the_oil_baron]

A tough old cowboy from Texas counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103.

When she died; she left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren ...........and a 40 foot hole where the Crematorium used to be.
 

[laird387]

Quickie  in the Bushes    
 
There are two statues in a  park; one  of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They  had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
 
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
 
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
  
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. 
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of 
breath and laughing.
 
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
  
He asks her 'Shall we?' 

  
She  eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you **** on its head.'
 

AND  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

[the_oil_baron]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ***king elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullsh*t stories

[biffsgasgas]

Stay still dear you might feel a little prick....................

Hey it's not the size that counts! Keep on saying that... Keep on saying that... Keep on saying that... check her status... ok keep on saying that cause she is not on board yet.... 

 

--Biff

[biffsgasgas]

Cause i use this one all of the time at work but i can be a jerk.

 

Coworker comes in and starts talking about what ever....

 

To Coworker:

"Oh guess who just called for you?"

 

Coworker:

"Who?"

 

To Coworker:

"Nobody... Nobody wants to talk to you...."

 

--Biff

[pa.]

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children on his TV show. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
All denied being obsessed with anything. "You are -- all of you!" he insisted.
"You are obsessed with eating," he said to the first mother. "You've even named your daughter Candy."
She hung her head in shame.
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
She gave a resigned nod.
He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
She looked at her little girl with a tear in her eye.
But before Dr. Phil could say another word, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick, we're  leaving."

[steve_earle]

Hey it's not the size that counts! Keep on saying that... Keep on saying that... Keep on saying that... check her status... ok keep on saying that cause she is not on board yet.... 

 

--Biff

It may be small but it smells like a big one.

[the addict]

Topical yet so wrong.

RIP Keith Harris, the only entertainer from the 80's to touch an underage bird and not get convicted