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Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour


the addict
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A bloke had a serious motorbike accident, and following partial recovery, his mates took him out for a beer but left him lying on the beach, both arms and both legs in plaster.

A little while after his mates left him there, three gorgeous women walked past, and the first woman said to him, "Have you had a hug since you've been like that?"

Bloke said "well, No." So she gave him a big Hug.

Second woman says to him, "Have you had a kiss since you've been like that?"

Bloke says "well, No." So she gave him a big kiss.

Third woman says to him, "Have you been F****d since you've been like that?"

Bloke says. "well, No." So she says, "WELL, YOU WILL BE in around ten minutes, the tide's coming in."

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Thought for the day:

 

 
1 * Accept the fact that some days  you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

  2 * Always keep your words soft and  sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

 3 * Always read stuff that will make  you look good if you die in the middle of it.

 4 * Drive carefully... It's not only  cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

 5 * If you can't be kind, at least  have the decency to be vague.

 6 * If you lend someone £20 and never  see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 7 * It may be that your sole purpose  in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 8 * Never buy a car you can't  push.

 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth  at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

 10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance  well. Just get up and dance.

 11 * Since it's the early worm that  gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

 12 * The second mouse gets the  cheese.

 13 * When everything's coming your  way, you're in the wrong lane.

 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The  more you have, the longer you live.

 

15 * Be the kind of person that when your  feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, they're  up!"

 
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to  make only once.

 17 * We could learn a lot from  crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird  names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same  box.

 18 * A truly happy person is one who  can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 19 * Have an awesome day and know that  someone has thought about you today.

Edited by laird387
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A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly husband.

"Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit; 50%, which makes it stand up half way; and 100%, which makes it touch the ceiling."

"Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please."

...

The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won't do much for you sex life, love."
To which the old woman replies, "no, but it'll stop him p****** in his ****ing slippers!"

 

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A woman gets on the bus to Belfast with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman takes her seat, fuming. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You shouldn't have to take that. You go tell him off. I'll hold your monkey!!..

 

 

 

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At the risk of going straight to hell.....

Nicoderm


Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.


He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed

to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'


The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.

I'm down to two butts a day.'

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Hmmmmm? Ham Police could be after for me for this one? might be a duplicate but worth a second read.

 

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black ...Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

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I’ve never written to anyone before about personal problems, but I really thought that Trials Central users could give me some advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street as if someone dropped her off from around the corner.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I would park my Montesa 4rt outside next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the head gasket on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Edited by the addict
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Mate called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" mate said, "But if they were that would explain the suitcase!!..

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Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife.
Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10K
Man: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?
Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit.
Man: That's no ****ing good....I want her dead, not kneecapped!!..

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The mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait. i ****in love Shepherd's Pie

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How come you can't keep an erection these days?" Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt at a shag.

"I'm sorry love, it's not my fault." I told her, "It's the mirror."

"Really?" She said, disbelievingly. "The mirror??"

...

"Yeah." I replied. "Go and have a look in it."

 

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