laird387 Posted May 4, 2016 Report Share Posted May 4, 2016 (edited) Dinner in the Fifties Pasta had not been invented, it was macaroni or spaghetti. Curry was a surname. A take-away was a mathematical problem. Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time. All chips were plain. Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner. Brown bread was something only poor people ate. Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking. Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh. Chickens didn't have fingers in those days. None of us had ever heard of yogurt. Healthy food consisted of anything edible. Cooking outside was called camping. Seaweed was not a recognised food. 'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food. Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Prunes were medicinal. Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed. Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one. Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging for it they would have become a laughing stock. The things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties...was elbows, hats or cell phones! Edited May 4, 2016 by laird387 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 5, 2016 Report Share Posted May 5, 2016 HI, How about this........... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 5, 2016 Report Share Posted May 5, 2016 A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing... Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Oh, I’m not sure. About five-feet four. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat . Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She took my sports coupe. Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it? Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multi-spoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMMAND On-line with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Blue-tooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Power-fold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Power-wash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats... At this point the husband starts choking up..... Sergeant: Don't worry, we’ll find your car... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 6, 2016 Report Share Posted May 6, 2016 ..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 6, 2016 Report Share Posted May 6, 2016 Interested parties should know that the basic shortened reference guide "Understanding Women" is now available in paperback......... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 6, 2016 Report Share Posted May 6, 2016 (edited) Hi, Just had a thought..................... Edited May 6, 2016 by laird387 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 7, 2016 Report Share Posted May 7, 2016 In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 9, 2016 Report Share Posted May 9, 2016 A couple who work in a circus go to an adoption agency , social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 9, 2016 Report Share Posted May 9, 2016 A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way... Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff." "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 10, 2016 Report Share Posted May 10, 2016 Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?´ 'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head There's no warning- 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 10, 2016 Report Share Posted May 10, 2016 Lawyer : (To wealthy art collector tycoon.) "I have some good news and I have some bad news”. Tycoon : "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”. Lawyer : “Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million”. Tycoon : (Enthusiastically) “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” Lawyer : “The pictures are of you shagging your secretary 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted May 10, 2016 Report Share Posted May 10, 2016 One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her 200 pounds. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you upstairs." The boy says "But she's got to have herpes." The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another 200 pounds. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?". "Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes... ...AND HE'S THE ******* WHO KILLED MY FROG !!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 11, 2016 Report Share Posted May 11, 2016 Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you." "But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!" See - Men just don't listen! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 13, 2016 Report Share Posted May 13, 2016 Just in time to consider before the referendum The British Penny European Union Directive No. 456179 In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 30 April 2016. From this date onwards, the correct term will be:"Euronating". It is hoped that this will be a great-relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give us a tinkle. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted May 17, 2016 Report Share Posted May 17, 2016 A Guide to Career Development Once I was an apprentice, Eager to impress, For craftsmen I was eager, always to do my bit, Determined just to show them, the apprentice had true grit Then I was an engineer Eager to impress, Managers they would panic, at the sight of the setting sun, I would quietly get stuck in, and quickly had it done Then I was a manager Still eager to impress With my staff behind me, I would simply lead the way With my staff behind me we would always win the day Now I am a retired man The wife I have to impress Overworked and underpaid, I have no time to rest Despite all this my boyos, with retirement I’m impressed! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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