Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy '

wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

 

[yamanx]

[pa.]

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care....

[spen]

In the light of recent police announcements that they no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries.

I have taken down the St. George's flag from beside the house and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door.

We've disconnected and cancelled our home alarm system contract and quit our Neighbourhood Watch.

I've bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the centre.

Now the local police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK counter terrorism agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

We've never felt safer and we're saving £14.95 a month.

[laird387]

Confucius Did Not Say!

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

 

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

 

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

 

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

 

[zippy]

 

Confucius Did Not Say!

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

 

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

 

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

 

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

 

 

Confucius may not have said these things, but they are still true.  

[pa.]

[stan wellback]

jcvd.jpg

Is that Jean-claude van sunk??

Edited September 1, 2016 by stan wellback

[pa.]

Is that Jean-claude van sunk??

 

No, it's Jean-Claude Van Dam.

[floydbassman]

Confucius may not have said these things, but they are still true.  

Squirrel in Thailand will find nuts....

[trialswarrior]

Squirrel in Thailand will find nuts....

 

or in San Francisco.

 

Q: Why don't women wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

A: Their balls show

[spen]

A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.

Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"

"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

[spen]

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.   
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male..... Playing football without a cup. 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . 
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. 
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one . 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion. 
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. 

 

AND;

 

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you? 

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? 
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[copemech]

Did I already post this?

 

 

[zippy]

For example: