1506 replies to this topic

[Slapshot 3]

Specially for my Texan mate.....

George Bush met The Queen on a state visit and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the USA is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?",

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

[joekarter]

The latest stress management technique from the pages of Psychological Times Monthly.


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

[copemech]

Slapshot 3, on 23 January 2012 - 11:49 PM, said:

Specially for my Texan mate.....

George Bush met The Queen on a state visit and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the USA is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?",

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

Soo did the British Empire become a Country into itself?

I heard lately that the Scottish were voting to move from the UK!!!!

Where is Scotland moving to?


I think we still have Bush here down round Austin. Old hippie bitches won't shave ther armpits either!

[Slapshot 3]

copemech, on 24 January 2012 - 05:01 AM, said:

Soo did the British Empire become a Country into itself?

There are a lot of brits who are country folks....most of them are politicians as well....

Quote

I heard lately that the Scottish were voting to move from the UK!!!!

Where is Scotland moving to?

I guess it's on the cards, we're staying where we are cutting England off at Hadrians Wall and pushing them closer to France.

Quote

I think we still have Bush here down round Austin. Old hippie bitches won't shave ther armpits either!

ughhhh horrid thought.

you well??

Edited by Slapshot 3, 24 January 2012 - 05:29 AM.

[HAM2]

Warning..old joke re-hashed:-

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rings up President Obama on the Whitehouse hotline and launches into a rant;

''You Americans think you are so sophisticated,civilized,free thinking and well balanced with your biased media propaganda!Pah!''

''You export a TV series like Star Trek to all the world ,which portrays the crew of a starship as a multi-cultural metaphor for inter-racial harmony?......you have an Oriental guy to pilot the ship, a Russian to navigate,an Afro-Carribean lady in charge of communications...and you even show a Skattishman in charge of engineering!!!

BUT..not one single Iranian!?
Can you answer me that?''

Obama replies menancingly; ''That's because it's set in the future you c*** !''

Edited by HAM2, 24 January 2012 - 03:33 PM.

[PA.]

[joekarter]

Bob had been out of work for nearly six months, when he was walked by the job center window and saw a card advertising for a gynecologist's assistant. Thinking he had finally found his dream job, he rushed in to ask the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions. Then,
you apply shaving cream, gently shave off all their hair and finally rub in soothing and lubricating oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000. However to start you'll have to go to nearly 800 miles east of here."


"Good grief, is that where the job's at?"



"Oh no--that's where the end of the line is."

[stevel]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[HAM2]

[airwave]

stevel, on 28 January 2012 - 06:47 PM, said:

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

More countries drive on the left, but more people drive on the right.
( he says with 3 driving licenses in his wallet, two for driving on the wrong side of the road and one for the correct side :-) )

Sweden was the last country to change sides in 1967.
It was a gradual process, busses and trucks on monday, cars on Tuesday and bikes on Wednesday . . . . .
(ok, I might have lied about that bit :-) )
wikki link to "Dagen H"

[copemech]

HAM2, on 28 January 2012 - 10:48 PM, said:

[The_Oil_Baron]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters .

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Andy]

One for Ham 'n' Baldilocks...

[HAM2]

should include 'MAN' as well! Y'nah?

[Baldilocks]

Thats been photoshopped, the bloke on the right is wearing a coat. divnt dee coats round here bonny lad