1506 replies to this topic

[The Addict]

dad with his little girl in the garden,

`is that a mummy longlegs underneath that daddy longlegs?`

dad says `no sweetie there are no mummy longlegs,only daddy longlegs`

dad felt very proud of her inquisitive young mind until she stamps on em both saying.

`we`ll have none of that gay **** in our ****ing garden`

[The Addict]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card

advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details
about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here
it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the
gynaecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash
their fannies.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to
Oxford."

"Oh, is that where the job's based?"





"No - that's where the end of the queue is"

[copemech]

The Addict, on Dec 16 2008, 08:54 PM, said:

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card

advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details
about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here
it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the
gynaecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash
their fannies.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to
Oxford."

"Oh, is that where the job's based?"





"No - that's where the end of the queue is"

Probably stood a good chance aftre they worked through the fat, ugly and stinkie ones!

[scudo]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to Kenny the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
Kenny the old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

Kenny the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They run round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running past, Kenny the Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit.....Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

[copemech]

scudo, on Dec 17 2008, 05:59 AM, said:

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to Kenny the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
Kenny the old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

Kenny the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They run round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running past, Kenny the Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit.....Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Need to shut up, na! Cheers, Merry X-mas!

Edited by copemech, 19 December 2008 - 01:18 AM.

[The Addict]

still there Mark lol

[The Addict]

.
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen quid."

She says, "FIFTEEN quid? You're crazy. For fifteen quid, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're fannys on fire."

[The Addict]

I read in the News today that a Scotsman was up before the Beak for Buggering a Cat?

The Judge dismissed the Case saying "I've never known a Jock put anything into a kitty before"

[The Addict]

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Edited by The Addict, 20 December 2008 - 09:29 PM.

[The Addict]

Now this is Ralphs favourite joke at the moment we're bloody sick of hearing it, hes told nearly everyone in Oxfordshire so far so here goes

Baby Polar bear says to his mum "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Of course you are baby bear, youve got a big fury white coat and big white paws

a minute goes past and baby bear says again "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Of course you are baby bear, you love eating seals and fish dont you

another minute goes past and baby bear again says "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Mum says of course you are baby bear, you live in the Antartic,got a fury white coat,big white paws,love eating fish and seals, why do you keep asking?

Baby polar bear says " Because I'm ****ing freezing"

[The Addict]

man staggers into hospital with concussion,multiple bruises,two black eyes & a 5 iron wrapped tightly round his throat.

doctor asks what happened to you?

bloke says well i was playing golf with the wife when we sliced our balls into a field full of cows.

i found one stuck in a cows fanny,so i yelled to the wife.... this looks like yours..

i dont remember anything after that

[AtomAnt]

1 of my favourite jokes of all time.


Paddy and Murphy in the bar and Paddy says to Murphy, " Hey mate, haven't seen you for a while. Where have you been? "
Murphy says " I've been to university studying logic"

"Logic Murphy" says Paddy, "What do you mean?"

"Well, have you got any Fish " Murphy says

"Yes, I have some Fish " says Paddy

"Well, If you have some fish, then you must have a fish pond"

"Yes" says Paddy

"Well if you have a garden big enough for a fish pond, you must have a big house... a 3 bedroom detached house?"

"Yes" says Paddy

"And if you got a 3 bedrrom detached house, then you are likely to be married.... probably with some kids?"

"To be sure " says Paddy " I have a wife Mary and 2 boys Patrick & Daniel"

"Well.."Says Murphy, " If you are married, with 2 children then you probably have a sex life and you don't need to masturbate do you?"

"No" says Paddy

"Well there you go...... Logic! "

Paddy says, " That's amazing" he gets his pint and goes and sits in the corner with Shamus and says

"Hi Shamus. I have just seen Murphy at the bar and he's been to university studying logic"

"Logic" Shamus says, " What's that? "

"Well" Paddy says, " I will try and explain "

"Do you have any Fish? "

"No" says Shamus

Then Paddy thinks for a moment and says.."

"Ah..... you must be a w**ker then "

[The Addict]

[Slapshot 3]

Seems as good a place as any.....

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies,

"I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".

The man says,

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[B40RT]

Every time I put a Joke on here the humor police remove it !