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Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
 
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?  
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife saying if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. 

If she doesn't want to have sex, then pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

 

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A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
 
“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”
 
Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.

The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

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You have to feel a bit sorry for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle that neither of their fathers will be at their wedding.

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I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper.

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can use my iPad."

That fly never knew what hit it..!

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A man went to a private doctor on account of his rather diminutive 'old chap'. The good doctor agreed to an enlargement operation, but had these words of caution...

"We can help you sir. We charge £1000 per inch, but don't go crazy. Some women don't appreciate the overly well-endowed man, it can get a little painful." 

"If I were you, sir," he said, "I would have a discussion with your wife about it, and come back next week"

At the appointment next week the doctor asked the man, 
"So, sir, did you discuss things with your wife?" 

"Yes I did, and we have come to a decision" 

"We're getting granite worktops".

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The Nigerian World Cup squad were so disappointed with their performance in Russia they have promised to personally refund all the fans who travelled to support them.
All the fans need to do is send their bank sort code, account number and PINs, and they will transfer the money directly.

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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied

:

"I didn't recognize you!"

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