Jump to content

the addict

Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

Recommended Posts

Currently inventing a "smart drawer" that gets your clothes out for you.

Will keep you posted as things unfold. . . .

  • Like 1
  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

I have a new job. I like to get to work early to beat the crowds. Best job ever working with the riot police and on our time off we go out clubbing.

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...


I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' colleague of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
And she is a government employee.....


When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

  • Like 3
  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

Hey have you all been hearing about corduroy pillow cases?

 

No?

 

Weird! They've been making headlines!

--Biff 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

Jimmy Saviles last request for his ashes was to be put into an etch a sketch so that kids can continue to fiddle with his knob.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
 

It has been a while since we've had any contributions here, and by God, we need something to smile about at the moment. Here's a start. (Sorry, they may have been posted before, but I can't check all 199 pages ?)

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side saddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car out of a busy junction.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission? 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
On 6/18/2020 at 5:45 AM, trapezeartist said:

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

Betty White is, she was born in 1922 and sliced bread was introduced in 1928

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
On 6/20/2020 at 12:34 PM, zippy said:

Betty White is, she was born in 1922 and sliced bread was introduced in 1928

@trapezeartist BEFORE SLICED BREAD IT WAS BARBED WIRE AND THE TIN CAN.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

A man goes sky-diving for the first time. He leaps out of the aeroplane and pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.

He’s plunging towards the earth wondering if there’s anything he can do when he meets another man coming upwards.

”Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?”

”Sorry mate. No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

Three men are exploring in the jungle when they’re captured by a tribe of amazons.

The women gather round and explain that they’re going to cut off the men’s penises. But to make it more fun they’re going to do it in a way appropriate to each man’s job.

So they ask the first man what his job is, and he’s a lumberjack. One of the women steps forward and chops his dick off.

Then they ask the second man and he explains he’s a butcher. So one of the women steps forward and slices his dick off.

When they ask the third man about his job he just starts laughing. Then he explains: “I work for Dyson.”

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

I went to the doctors today, I keep hearing strange voices coming from my underpants.

The doctor said just ignore them, they’re talking bollocks!?!?!

Edited by suzuki250
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

My grand daughter: “Nana, where did you grow up?”

My wife: “In a town in the Midlands, called Loughborough.”

My grand daughter: “And where did Grandad grow up?”

My wife: “He hasn’t yet.”

(I think most of us older riders can relate to that.)

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
 

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...