Got into a bit of trouble with the missus last night!

She asked me where I would like to be buried.

Apparently, " B*llock deep in your slutty sister" wasnt the right answer !

Edited January 21, 201016 yr by AtomAnt

Got into a bit of trouble with the missus last night!

She asked me where I would like to be buried.

Apparently, " B*llock deep in your slutty sister" wasnt the right answer !

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had owas a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.

He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!

When my fianc

Edited January 21, 201016 yr by GIZZA5

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and shouts "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What the **** was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he just can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he ****s in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what the **** was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

Messing With The Sheiks' Women

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a cop," said the first man.

"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A girl calls her mother and says "Im havin a Divorce!"

"Divorce!" cries the mother"why?"

"Mum, all he wants is Bum sex, I used to have a lovely little bumhole about the size of a 5 pence piece, now its the size of a 50 pence piece"

The mother says "Sweety, you have a lovely home, a porsche, a platinum visa card, villa in Marbella, kids i private school and 6 holidays a year and you wan to give all that up for the sake of 45p!"

With deffrence to my learned friend Mr Bigfoot, (poor buggers stuck in Aberdeen Harbour on a boat waiting to go off into the North Sea and asked me to add these)

Friends, trialsriders and Gizza, do we want to see these snack littering our shelves,

nay we say.

Is this really the taste of really the taste of paradise

We MUST oppose the merger between the Kraft Corporations and Cadbury's at all costs.

Very clever that Donald , mine and Gizza's main concern is the future viability of the Star Bar, our faves

We MUST oppose the merger between the Kraft Corporations and Cadbury's at all costs.

Theres a new anti-depressant drug out for Lesbans.. its called Trycockagain

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Ive just come out the chippy with a meat and potato pie,large chips,curry sauce and a jumbo sausage.

On the way out, a poor cold, homeless man sat there and said " Ive not eaten in 2 days"

I told him, "I wish I had your willpower "

Edited January 22, 201016 yr by AtomAnt

teacher asks class to put the word contageous into a sentence

Tommy says 'measles are contageous'

kerry says ' theres a bug going round and its contageous'

little paddy says 'my neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and dad recons it will take the contageous'

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."

The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.

"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her a*** in the font"

six truths of life

1, you cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue!

2, All idiots after reading the 1st truth will try it !!

3,And discover the 1st truth is a lie.

4, Your smiling now bcos your an idiot.

5, You will soon show this to another idiot so your not alone.

6, there's still a silly grin on your face, F***** idiot

Edited January 22, 201016 yr by The Addict

Wife with PMT

"OY DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT" ?

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husband: what choices are there?

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wife: YES OR F*****G NO

Edited January 22, 201016 yr by The Addict