The future of nursery rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.

...

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have you got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

'Pies you dumb a***!'

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its @rse

And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Jill, the dill,

Forgot her pill,

And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

And grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

Pretty good 'Wordsworth'

Na, just a good (how to spell) pilferer/ plagonist?

My kind of fellow! Obviously much more well read than myself, who can never find jokes clean enough to post!