A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so ...he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
I've heard recently that Viagra is now avalilable in powder form,for use in your tea...It doesn't improve your sexual performance,but it does stop your biscuit from going ****in soft!!....
I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening."That's my husband," she said,"Quick,try the back door",I knew I should left before her husband caught me,but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that....
A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I ha...ve been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."
Big thanks to the Leamington Victory club for putting on a great event this evening at Edge Hill near Banbury, very well supported, all sections covered with observers and cracking weather, thanks to all who helped put the event on.
A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed..Inside he found 3 eggs,and £7000 in cash"What are the eggs for?" asks the husband.She replied,"Everytime we had crap sex,i would put an egg in the box."Not bad" says the husband,"3 eggs in 35 yrs,and the cash?"She replies,"Everytime i got a dozen i sold them...
met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
A blonde woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms. "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned". The first day ...was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please. The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her. She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!” The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!!..
A Jewish daughter says to her mother.. ..... "I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
...
Her mother says .....
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, You live in an 8 bedroom mansion You drive a £250,000 Ferrari, You get £2,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and You want to throw all that away...
Halfway through my shift at the photo shop yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife. Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them, so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?" "Yes please," he said sheepishly. I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat a*** and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim!!..
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies. "Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.... Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?" "Your ****ing horse phoned!
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive c...are with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s a*** and a car hit me.
I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?"
The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?"
I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?"
I was sitting on the train opposite a really sexy Thai girl today when I suddenly thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection!" But she did..
The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op!!..
I've seen loads of videos this evening from Japan. Its incredible just how relaxed and easy Bou made of these sections, its very much like a demonstration rather than a competition and his score showed it.
Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour
in Anything goes
Posted
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
Eventually the knocks got louder and more frequent, but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
...Then he suddenly looked through the window.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" he shouted, "I can see you in there, open the door!"
"You're not coming in, mate!" I replied.
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."