There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was 
"Onestone". 
So named because he had only one testicle. 
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. 
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" 
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 
"Good morning, Onestone." 
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. 
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. 
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. 
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. 
She hugged him and said, 
"Good to see you Onestone." 
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

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What is the moral of this story????

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You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

Steve decides he's had enough of the rat-race and sells up to leave the city for a remote Scottish island .

After a short ferry trip he hails a taxi and is introduced to his first local; the cab driver.

 

Steve admires the scenic landscape whizzing past his window when the taxi makes an unscheduled stop and the annoyed driver points out several small rowing boats in the harbour.

 

"Ye see them boats there? I designed them, drew the plans, felled al the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Boat-builder?...Do they f*** !"

 

Steve's a little unsettled as the incresingly angered driver wheel spins away and says nothing more until they drive up a steep hill with two idyllic cottages nearby. The irate driver jams on the brakes and states;

 

"Ye see them lodges there? I designed them, drew the plans, quarried the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Masterbuilder?...Do they f*** !"

 

"But ye take one lousy sheep to the cinema......"

 

Edited February 25, 201610 yr by ham2

Steve decides he's had enough of the rat-race and sells up to leave the city for a remote Scottish island .

After a short ferry trip he hails a taxi and is introduced to his first local; the cab driver.

 

Steve admires the scenic landscape whizzing past his window when the taxi makes an unscheduled stop and the annoyed driver points out several small rowing boats in the harbour.

 

"Ye see them boats there? I designed them, drew the plans, felled al the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Boat-builder?...Do they f*** !"

 

Steve's a little unsettled as the incresingly angered driver wheel spins away and says nothing more until they drive up a steep hill with two idyllic cottages nearby. The irate driver jams on the brakes and states;

 

"Ye see them lodges there? I designed them, drew the plans, quarried the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Masterbuilder?...Do they f*** !"

 

"But ye take one lousy sheep to the cinema......"

 

lol, should have said Gizza or Donald instead of Steve.

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”

 

The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”

 

The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog!”

Paddys' wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.
On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"
To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we're both over the ****ing moon!!.

Mother is texting her son ..

 

Mom : " Son, where are you?"

 

Son  : "I'm at a strip club mom"

 

Mom : " What! Did you see anything you shouldn't have ? "

Son  : " Besides all the naked women, yeah just one thing "

 

Mom : " Let me guess, your father ! "

 

Son  : " No, my sister "

After extensive market research I am releasing a new product.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.....Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is Doctor, it wakes me up!"

Edited March 10, 201610 yr by atomant

 

Oop north a man was in the office of the Yorkshire Post talking about an obituary following the death of his wife. The couple had been happily married for 50 years.

When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "Arrrrr Much? !!!"

He reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat simple" he explained, "my

Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass, but she wunt ave

wanted owt s****y."

"Perhaps a small poem", suggested the woman at the desk.

"Nay", he said, "she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; Gladys

Braithwaite died'".

"You need to say when", he was told by the receptionist.

"Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do".

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly

departed".

The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, 'Sadly missed'. That'll do",

he said.

"You can have another four words", the woman explained. "No, no", he cried,

"she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out"

"The words are included in the price", the woman informed him.

"Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?".

"Yes, indeed".

"Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin 'em".

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

 

 

 

pmsl, nicking that un for elsewhere ha

My daughter asked, "I hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday? It's embarrassing. "
I was stunned.
Bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the wife.......

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line.
I nearly **** her pants.

Little Tommy had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse darling."

Little Tommy said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily

"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."