Some ****er is spreading rumours on facebook that I'm a schizophrenic.
Well, 3 can play at that game!

Schizophrenia - together I can beat it

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often.
At least that what it says in her diary.

 

 

Baz was in the pub having a beer with his mates and he said:
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night, I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and
We had great sex ......
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before..

 

Baz was in the pub having a beer with his mates and he said:

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night, I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and

We had great sex ......

Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before..

 

I know what flites are, that is funny!

 

I was in dart league for a number of years. Cost me a small fortune in beer, lost wages from missed work, and a trip to jail for driving home at 3 AM.

Dart board is in my shed today!

Good reason to take up trials riding - LOL

A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.

 

I have a fear of speed bumps.......I’m slowly getting over it.

 

"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbour. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbour. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"

 

My wife and I had a huge row last night she called me gullible and financially irresponsible,
I can't wait to she her face when I tell her that I have just won the Nigerian lottery.

 

Went to the pub last night and saw a fat woman dancin' on a table.
I said ''Great legs''.
She giggled and said ''Thanks,do ya really think so?''
I said ''Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now!''

 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

 

"Any two-watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do. I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes, please."

I've always thought I looked a bit like George Clooney so wasn't surprised when this lady came up to me the other day and said... Is that really you George ?
I thought I would play along so I said Yep honey it sure is.
She said...I thought so, how is Mildred!!..

Paddy says to Murphy; 'We're gonna be rich, I've been on the rob'.

 

Murphy says; 'Why, wotcha nicked?'

 

Paddy replies; 'Dozens of house paintings, one of them alone is worth £180,000'.

 

Murphy says: Ah, you daft get, you've been stealing from the estate agents haven't you?'

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you gonna jump or not? I said, No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine."

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

Edited January 27, 201610 yr by pa.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

 

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

 

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some a**hole has my pen!"           

Edited January 28, 201610 yr by suzuki250

The inventor of autocorrect has died.

I didn't even know he was i'll ....