Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

A police officer stops  a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence.  

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[laird387]

RIVER WALK

A blonde is out for a walk.  She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts,  'How can I get to the other side?'   

 

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the  other side.'

[atomant]

 

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Edited July 10, 2015 by atomant

[laird387]

A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR......

 

 

 and the bartender said: "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

 

 

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

 

 

 "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

 

 

 "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

 

 

 The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

 

 

 The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

 

 

 "What about that eye patch?"

 

 

 "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

 

 

 "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

 

 

 "It was my first day with the hook."

 

[the addict]

[the addict]

^{A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."...
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor."
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*** in your eye.}

[the addict]

Jen's friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.
"When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it," says Jen.
The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.
"How did it go, then?" asks Jen. "Wonderfully!" beams Amy. "Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea."

[laird387]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life' 
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked 

 I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. 

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 
'No Kidding,' he said. 
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

Edited July 15, 2015 by laird387

[the addict]

The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today.
He was a good boy. Yes he was

[pa.]

A guy came home and found his wife packing a bag.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
" I'm leaving you and going to Las Vegas." she replied.
"Why?" he asked.
"I've heard women can get $400 for giving a blow job in Vegas."
The husband grabbed a bag and started packing.
"I'm coming with you." he said.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you will be able to live on $400 per year."

[pa.]

I need a new windscreen.

[laird387]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!?

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. 

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. 

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. 

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

[the addict]

[laird387]

Hi,

 

Thought this would appeal.................

[laird387]

Hi,