The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today.
He was a good boy. Yes he was

A guy came home and found his wife packing a bag.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
" I'm leaving you and going to Las Vegas." she replied.
"Why?" he asked.
"I've heard women can get $400 for giving a blow job in Vegas."
The husband grabbed a bag and started packing.
"I'm coming with you." he said.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you will be able to live on $400 per year."

I need a new windscreen.

laird387

That last one about recording people in distress, is not too far off.  But one young man did something to help

 

http://www.kptv.com/story/29580618/among-people-standing-by-video-taping-woman-trapped-in-burning-car-a-19-year-old-old-steps-in-to-save-her

The Farmers Son.......................
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents....
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a Count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note:
"You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell..

 

 

at risk of offending....

 

An English man and a Welsh man are walking in the countryside when they find a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. 

 

The Welsh man approaches the poor animal from behind, drops his trousers and proceeds to take full advantage.  When he'ss finished he turns to the English man and says 'your turn'. 

 

The English man steps up, drops his trousers, and then bends over and sticks his head through the fence....

Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire.He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.
Chris says,"Ok Paddy,for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."
Paddy says,"I'll take the money Chris."
Chris replies,"Are you sure Paddy,you've still got three lifelines left?"
Paddy says,"I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money."...
Chris replies,"Ok audience,give Paddy a big round of applause,but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"
Paddy says,"I already know the answer Chris."
Chris replies,"You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid,are you mad,are you mental?"
Paddy says,"I may be ****ing Mental Chris,but I'm no ****ing grass!!..

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."...
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."

Edited July 27, 201511 yr by the addict

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.
No name was given but he was a high ****ing officer

^{As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read, "THOAP!"}

 

 

 

Lord Sewel has quit as House of Lords deputy speaker over a video allegedly showing him snorting Charlie off a whore's tits through a rolled up five pound note.
A spokesperson for the House of Lords said, "This disgusting behaviour falls far short of the standards expected of the upper house. He should have used at least a twenty."