A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, 'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..

An Aussie ventriloquist is on holidays in New Zealand, while driving around he comes across a farmer working on a fence he stops and asks the farmer if he can have a chat with his animals, the kiwi looks up and says my animals can't talk but feel free, so the Aussie says to his dog hey mate how yah going the dog responds yeah good then the Aussie asks how's he treat you, the dog responds yeah good he feeds me good food, gives me a nice warm bed. Well the kiwi farmer is blown away by this, then the Aussie asks his horse how he likes living here ? The horse replies yeah good, when he's finished talking with the horse he turns to have a chat with a sheep standing close by, just as he's about to start with the sheep the kiwi interrupts and says don't talk to him he's a ****ing liar !

I pulled a Chinese bird at a club once.
She came on a bit strong and said, "Me so horny, me do anything for you."
I said "How about a 69?" She said "You **** off, me no cooking at this time of night!"

I know, I've probably done this one once or twice before but its worth a revisit

 

A man has died at a white chocolate factory after a load of box's fell on him,
He tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted, the milky bars are on me, everyone just cheered!!.

 

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird so m...y wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away, 'that stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her a*** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a*** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! I just hope that she doesn't **** in the vegetable garden again!'

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "A...fter that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia . Hwoevr tihs is olny ni etxreem caess of slef aubse!!.

 

HA!

 

--Biff

^{I've no idea why she said put it in the oven at 120 degrees but I've managed it.}

 

Edited September 3, 201510 yr by the addict

She was trying car pooling.