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Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour


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#1 the addict

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 07:13 PM

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks
badly.
So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a
rooster that they would sell.

The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.'
Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the
Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the
next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth
open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with
Buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'

Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky
above and says,
'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away.


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#2 the addict

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 07:20 PM

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

#3 the addict

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 07:21 PM

Bloke goes to the doctor…

'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'


'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'


'Is it common ?'


'It's not unusual.'

#4 the addict

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 07:22 PM

I've just been to my first muslim birthday party. Musical chairs was a bit slow but F**k me, pass the parcel was bloody quick.

#5 slapshot 3

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 09:10 PM

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"



It was nice of you to change Big John's name to Angus.........
I keep telling people I'm in shape....round is a shape
Be schizophrenic, you'll never be alone.

You are the one who is blind and connot see the truth in the world. You live sheltered in a monastry of your hate, and cannot admire beauty and truth while I snort the cocaine of excellence and bang the hooker of awesomeness. - Wonderlance

#6 the addict

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 09:51 PM

Ah Slapshot, go on then,

Big John finds himself in terrible trouble. His business has gone into liquidation and he's in serious financial problems and the bailiffs are coming soon to repossess his bike collection. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost all my money and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too and all my Bultaco's. Please,please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night comes and Someone else wins... Big John prays again. "God, please for Christ sake let me win the lottery! they,re gonna take me Bults and I cant pay any of the bills,please please let me win the lottery tonight. Lottery night again! Still no luck... Big John prays again.
God, for ****s sake have mercy, please please let me win the lottery tonight its my only hope, Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of lightening as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Big John, meet me half way..........
..............
..............
.........
.......
.......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
.....
.....
....
....
...
..
..
"Buy a ****ing Ticket"

#7 ham2

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 09:19 AM

Top notch ''The Addict'',the first one especially :guinness: ,I'm trying to memorise it 'cos I'm going out tonight,I bet I make an a*** of it once I've had a drink. :)
For the last time...it's not 'SUPPOSED' to have a seat.
There are two types of men in this world:-
1) Those who are Geordies and..
2) Those that want to be.

#8 b40rt

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 01:08 PM

When Bob was asked if her preferred Legs or Breast he said that he had a particular fondness for shaven f*nnies.

He was then informed that this was not an option when choosing the KFC bargain bucket!
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twain

#9 b40rt

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 02:08 PM

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..
?
?
?
?
?

"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twain

#10 the addict

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 03:55 PM

Irelands worst plane disaster

struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetary.

Irish rescue workers have recovered 828 bodies.Digging continues.


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#11 ham2

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:03 PM

Yeah,keep 'em coming..I'm bound to remember 1 of them???Maybe?
For the last time...it's not 'SUPPOSED' to have a seat.
There are two types of men in this world:-
1) Those who are Geordies and..
2) Those that want to be.

#12 the addict

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:17 PM

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your fanny before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

#13 the addict

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:36 PM

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's fanny with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by the 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

#14 copemech

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 12:48 AM

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's fanny with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking


Gawd I hate it when you do that Addict! I first must look up words which refer then to Oprah Winfrey, thin I find oothers like this!

"Eurgh look Shaz, thats right minging, innit?"

:D
Ride it Like it was one of your old Girlfriends, If you still remember how!

#15 slapshot 3

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 01:49 AM

This'll be the right place for this....

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
I keep telling people I'm in shape....round is a shape
Be schizophrenic, you'll never be alone.

You are the one who is blind and connot see the truth in the world. You live sheltered in a monastry of your hate, and cannot admire beauty and truth while I snort the cocaine of excellence and bang the hooker of awesomeness. - Wonderlance




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