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the addict

Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

2,901 posts in this topic

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks

badly.

So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a

rooster that they would sell.

The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.

He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.'

Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the

Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but

first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of

money.

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and

have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house

and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen

house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure

enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't

even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the

next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth

open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with

Buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive

animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.

I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'

Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky

above and says,

'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away.

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand

on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first

three pennies?"

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Bloke goes to the doctor

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I've just been to my first muslim birthday party. Musical chairs was a bit slow but F**k me, pass the parcel was bloody quick.

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand

on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first

three pennies?"

It was nice of you to change Big John's name to Angus.........

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Ah Slapshot, go on then,

Big John finds himself in terrible trouble. His business has gone into liquidation and he's in serious financial problems and the bailiffs are coming soon to repossess his bike collection. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost all my money and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too and all my Bultaco's. Please,please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night comes and Someone else wins... Big John prays again. "God, please for Christ sake let me win the lottery! they,re gonna take me Bults and I cant pay any of the bills,please please let me win the lottery tonight. Lottery night again! Still no luck... Big John prays again.

God, for ****s sake have mercy, please please let me win the lottery tonight its my only hope, Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of lightening as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:

"Big John, meet me half way..........

..............

..............

.........

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.....

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..

"Buy a ****ing Ticket"

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Top notch ''The Addict'',the first one especially :guinness: ,I'm trying to memorise it 'cos I'm going out tonight,I bet I make an a*** of it once I've had a drink. :)

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When Bob was asked if her preferred Legs or Breast he said that he had a particular fondness for shaven f*nnies.

He was then informed that this was not an option when choosing the KFC bargain bucket!

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Irelands worst plane disaster

struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetary.

Irish rescue workers have recovered 828 bodies.Digging continues.

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Yeah,keep 'em coming..I'm bound to remember 1 of them???Maybe?

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your fanny before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

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The latest club craze is to fill a woman's fanny with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by the 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

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The latest club craze is to fill a woman's fanny with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

Gawd I hate it when you do that Addict! I first must look up words which refer then to Oprah Winfrey, thin I find oothers like this!

"Eurgh look Shaz, thats right minging, innit?"

:D

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This'll be the right place for this....

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

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This'll be the right place for this....

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

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