September 2, 200916 yr Man Stories5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" :rotfl:
September 3, 200916 yr Save #4 , you will need it in a bit! ! Good luck! They want to do "Alien Inspections" on you!
September 13, 200916 yr Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's mini van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapses in ecstasy. About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky sod to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.
September 15, 200916 yr Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,..... just because I am blonde doesnt mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellloooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
September 16, 200916 yr A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "Did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new," answered the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady," he replied, "I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart at least 15 times a day."
October 14, 200916 yr A bloke walks into his local pub and sees his mate looking glum at the bar. Whats up? he asks 'Well you know that barmaid who works here' says his mate. 'What that little blond one that makes you get an erection every time you see her?' he says. 'Yes thats the one...well I finally plucked up enough courage to ask her out' his mate replies. 'Brilliant!' says the bloke, how did it go? 'Well says his mate, I thought I'd better do something about, you know, my problem so I decided to duck tape my knob to my leg.' 'Good idea' says the bloke, 'so how did the date go?' 'Well, he says, I went round to her house, knocked on the door and she opened it wearing nothing but a see through nighty.' Thats great! says his friend, so why are you looking so glum? 'I kicked her in the face!' says his mate.
October 15, 200916 yr The Human Body It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). The average man's pen1s is two times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
October 16, 200916 yr Author Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.
October 16, 200916 yr Author Save money on expensive, personalised car number plates by changing your name by deed poll to match your existing plate.
October 27, 200916 yr A professor at the University of Nebraska was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
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