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slapshot 3

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About slapshot 3

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    Stonehaven, Aberdeenshire
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  1. Gizza was rushed to hospital the other day with half a dozen toy plastic horses jammed up his backside... Doctors have described his condition as stable.
  2. A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......... "What the chuff would they want with a plasterer??!"
  3. Does indeed! Good to see you on Friday matey
  4. Fair play to the bloke, he got round and many didn't, yes he asked for a lot of fives but he'll still have picked up that finishers award at the end of the week!
  5. Been incredible all round!! Doug has been blindingly good this week
  6. slapshot 3

    lost it ?

    If I can chuck my oar in, I really don't think any of us really know the amount of effort every member of the SSDT organising group puts in and while we can all bleat on about a lack of info if we like but they have a shed load of stuff to do. We each have our pressures in life but these people have their lives to lead and organise the biggest trial on the planet..... don't give them a hard time!!
  7. Quoted £200 to have a £70 towbar fitted to a Focus...... can;'t even trust that one I g=had fitted to a Volvo a few years back cost me a new silencer because the salad chef that fitted it broke it and didn't bother telling me!! Wee vans can often be cheaper i the long run!
  8. 1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong" 4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. 5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. 6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it" 7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. 8. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer. 9. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't" 11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. -------------------------------------------------- I was in a nightclub queue when two men in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine." The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five." A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up." ------------------------------------ Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I Couldnt..... ...believe it when my dad got the sack for thieving from his job as a road worker. But when I got home all the signs were there ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I delivered a parcel to the surgery today... It was just what the doctor ordered
  9. All good, get thee a facebook page then you can keep up I don't like it all either idiots and incompetents playing ideological games with all out futures!
  10. It's actually Sven but he spelt it wrong.. ;0)
  11. Watcha Fraceman you well?? I think if anywhere has knowledge of the man it's here, north east of Scotland where he steamrollered that other pointless waste of space and politico Alec Salmond into giving him a free hand to build one of his golfist courses just north of Aberdeen. The man is an imbecile of the highest order and gets what he wants; anything he wants by dangling large investments in front of people. The whole American election thing last time provided some of the best comedy I've ever seen, almost as good as Kenny. You have two stupidly rich people like Trump and Clinton arguing for a job that pays less than half a million yankee dollars a year; trump is a joke, Clinton as well. We exist in times of political mediocrity, there are few, if any politicians around the world worth their salary. The right wing is bad, the left outrageously bad. They take democracy as a joke and play games with economies in the name of ideology. Brexit, Trump, the Tories wiping the floor at the last UK elections were all because people are fed up with the left wing elitist liberalist politics people don't see that and do get me started on the Wicked Witch of Holyrood!
  12. Should have come back to this, You're right Dabster ( jeez I agreed with Dabster) sales were always low. However their presence at the Scottish and other UK trials gave us the passion for the Honda marque, how many people these days would give their eye teeth to get their hands on a good original, 80's RTL!
  13. This flying song video always makes me chuckle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VQ_3sBZEm0
  14. A young doctor moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the younger one accompany hiim on his rounds to introduce him to the community. At the first house the woman complains “ I’ve been a little sick and have a sore stomach” The older doctor says “well you’ve obviously been over doing the fresh fruit Mrs Smith, cut back on the amount you are eating and we’ll see if that does the trick.” As they left the younger doctor said, “that was brilliant, you didn’t actually examine her but you came up with that diagnosis so quickly” “I didn’t have to” the old man said, “you noticed I dropped my stethescope on the floor? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed half a dozen banana skins in the rubbish, its more than likely whats making her sick” “That’s clever” said the young doctor, “i’m goingh to try that”. Arriving at the next house they chatted with a much younger, more attractive woman, She said that she just didn;t have the energy she normally did and she was feeling really run down lately. The young doctor said “You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church, maybe cut back a bit and see if that helps”. The old doctor was impressed and said, I know that woman well and she is very active in the church and the community but how did you arrive at that diagnosis” “I did what you did Doctor”, he said “I dropped my stethescope and when I bent down to pick it up I noticed the minister naked under the bed”.
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