November 10, 20169 yr At a wedding ceremony the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the minister. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying. Then slowly the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."
November 15, 20169 yr Author I visited a new themed restaurant last night called Hot Chocolate, after the Seventies pop group. The menu was amazing, "It started with a quiche".
November 16, 20169 yr An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, Walk into a very fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai”
November 20, 20169 yr A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?” Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.” “Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had indigestion so he did and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir.” says Murphy. “Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!' “ “Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.”
November 21, 20169 yr Author I see Viagra have a new product line,..... eye drops,.... won't give you an erection, but it makes you look hard.
November 21, 20169 yr Author Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the Doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him Pancakes. Pancakes are the new wonder food for small penises. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a rather large stack of warm Pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All for Me" ..??? "Just take Two," Brenda replied. "The Rest are for your Father."
November 21, 20169 yr Author A man & wife are in bed. He farts & shouts ''Goal.'' His wife farts & shouts ''One all.'' When the score gets to two all,the man strains so hard he ****s the bed. His wife says ''What the hell was that?'' ''Half time - swap sides
November 21, 20169 yr Author When I was in the Pub last night. I overheard a couple of Dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman..! What a pair of Sexist Twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to Reverse the ****ing thing, is it..???
November 23, 20169 yr A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat . HE paid for your Football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
November 28, 20169 yr A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman. 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'
November 28, 20169 yr At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment and interpretation. He went on, for over half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' Asked the couple. 'Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch!'
November 30, 20169 yr Author I asked my friend, "What part of America is your wife from?" He said, "Alaska" I said, "I thought you'd know"...
December 1, 20169 yr Author Woman weightlifter goes to the doctor and says“I’ve been taking steroids, and now I’ve grown a c0ck” “Anabolic” says the doctor “No” she replies “Just a c0ck Edited December 1, 20169 yr by the addict
December 1, 20169 yr Author Paddy set Murphy up on a blind date. Paddy says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on."Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right **** sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
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