Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to ma...ke the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"..

[the addict]

[biffsgasgas]

--Biff

[laird387]

 

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie McDonald of Moose Jaw,  Saskatchewan

Reporter:  “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?”

Hattie:  “For better digestion I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss  I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine.  In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.”

Reporter:  “When do you drink water?”

Hattie:  “I've never been that sick.”

[laird387]

 

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie McDonald of Moose Jaw,  Saskatchewan

Reporter:  “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?”

Hattie:  “For better digestion I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss  I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine.  In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.”

Reporter:  “When do you drink water?”

Hattie:  “I've never been that sick.”

[the addict]

[laird387]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'.

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. 

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know",  here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."  

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock

 

[spen]

NHS Proposals

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

Respiratory therapists aren’t holding their breath.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were *** off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.

[spen]

A lad goes to confession.

" I have been with a loose woman." 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" 
"Yes, Father, it is. 
"And, who was the woman you were with?" 
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." 
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 
"I cannot say." 
"Was it Patricia Kelly?" 
"I cannot say." 
"Was it Liz Shannon?" 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 
"Was it Cathy Morgan?" 
"My lips are sealed." 
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" 
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 
The priest sighs in frustration. 
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you " 
now!" 
Tommy walks back to his pew. 
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?" 
"Three months vacation and five good leads."

 

[spen]

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

 

[spen]

Just had some strobe lights fitted in the bedroom. 

Sex is the same, but the wife looks like she's moving now!

[spen]

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,

"Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog 5h1t, 20 feet back."

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by spen

[spen]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. 

"You mean polio?" she asked. 

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes." 

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked 

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"  

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. 

"You mean measles?" she asked. 

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."  

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. 

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. 

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...  











Smallcox

 

[spen]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,

took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been

unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I

never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we

were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for

that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of

course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your trials club, and you needed 43 more votes?"

[the addict]

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. 

"You mean polio?" she asked. 

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes." 

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked 

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"  

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. 

"You mean measles?" she asked. 

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."  

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. 

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. 

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...  

Smallcox

 

 

Lol, pinching that one