My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
I’m absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.
I’ve never run so far in all my life.
An elderly man was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
The friend was impressed by the way the man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the living room, his friend leaned over to say, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife all those loving names.”
The elderly man hung his head.
“I have to tell you the truth,” he said. ”Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bat what it is.”
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her Birthday, not the greatest gift but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
I lost my job in the alarm clock factory, I kept sleeping in
America: a country where people believe the moon landing is fake, but wrestling is real
The popularity of origami has increased ten-fold
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.