A aussie and an kiwi go into a bakery. The aussie steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the kiwi, "See how slick I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The kiwi says to the Aussie, "That's typically dishonest of you Aussies. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Kiwi swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the kiwi asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastry?"
The kiwi replies, "Look in the Aussie's pocket!!..

In Turkey, on holiday, I came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor,
below the neckline,
inside the ears,
snipped out nose hairs,...
waxed off chest hairs
AND
plucked all the hairs out of the a*** crack finishing off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly,
the wife's never looked so good:)

Edited February 18, 201511 yr by the addict

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on ...your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed.
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"**** !" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"...
And then the fight started...

According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag...So every morning i slap the wife on the a*** and say two sugars fatty!

_{A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun.... "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.}

_{Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"}

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found ...that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"........

I was chatting up a Gypsy girl in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time.She wasn't ****ing kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish

My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me".
I said " it's a ****ing scarf."

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm... gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a sh%t first."

Edited February 19, 201511 yr by the addict

When i was a kid,my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special box under the stairs...!I was 15,before i finally found out it was our ****in gas meter...!!!

I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice. To be honest, I haven't seen the ****ing thing shut yet.

A man walks into confessional,and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for have sinned... I was shagging seven different women last night"
The priest is silent for a moment,then says, "Go home, and cut seven lemons in half, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink it down in one gulp"
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No," replies the priest, "But it will wipe that ****in smirk of your face!

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she

will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

What do you call an Asian Lesbian?

Mingeeater

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

2 Blondes walk into a building.......... You would have thought one of them would have seen it

Edited February 20, 201511 yr by atomant