A dwarf couple who work in a circus are expecting a baby. They go to the hospital for the check up.

The doctor says, "Everything is fine. Tell me, what do you want a boy or a girl?"

The guy replies, "Well, we don't really give a **** as long as it fits in a cannon!

After watching 50 Shades of Grey my wife asked me to tie her tightly to the bed.
"Now what?" I asked
"Hurt me!" She replied
"Ok, you have saggy tits and a fat a***"

You may not hear from me for a while as I am in Hospital.....I was a bit silly and poisoned myself...I ate what I thought was an onion but it turned out to be a Tulip bulb.....doctors said I will be out in the Spring!!......

Edited March 7, 201511 yr by the addict

Paddy:- "Look at that flock of cows!"
Murphy:- "Herd of cows, you daft ****!"
Paddy:- "Of course I've heard of cows, there's a ****ing flock of them over there!!..

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor, "I'm constipated." he says. The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table." After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his a*** with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet. After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping your a*** with cement bags..

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to
the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him....
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and
said, 'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best
feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away..., turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!!..

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it started!!..

I just accidentally mixed "I can't believe it's not butter" with my regular butter and now.....I don't know what to believe!!..

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured t...hem into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and oured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,'said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the
disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up.

"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."

...

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher. "And the other?"

"Your mum's a c***."

Edited March 8, 201511 yr by the addict

Ron Chestnut, 89 years of age was stopped by the police about 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Ham2, have I done the red Indian one? how they get their names?

My Chinese neighbour said he has opened a crows shop, I said you mean a clothes shop, he says no a crows shop..... come in and have a rook!!..

You ladies may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch,isn't that bad.....It's kinda manly,makes us feel like we are camping...With a really angry bear nearby....