the addict Posted November 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) classic that zippy idmcc, the tool list brings back lots of memories lol, some very very recent I was using a percussion drill yesterday with a very large auger bit, the bit jammed and twisted my wrist nearly 360 degrees in about 0...1 seconds, loud crack and much pacing around the site holding it for a few minutes, nothing broke though luckily, I can just about think of all those tools and tell a story Mate of mine was using an electric planer, wasnt adjusted enough so....like you would with a normal hand held planer you run your thumb over the blade to see how sharp it is and how far out of the block it comes, hmmm of course with the electric planer switched on and spinning at about 20,000 rpm it soon whipped the face off his thumb and onto the wall Edited November 28, 2009 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted November 28, 2009 Report Share Posted November 28, 2009 Steveo...the worrying thing is that this story is true, my mate who worked for SAGE (accountancy software) here in the North East had exactly the same type of caller many years ago.You have posted the abridged version, the original call was passed up the supervisory chain several times until the caller mentioned that the street lights were out! My mate got his a*** kicked for losing his cool but he did say that the nature of the business (dealing with accountancy types ) normally precludes dealing with numpties . Tell your mate I like his form ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) TABLE SAW:A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity I've had many a close call with this beast, had quite a large length of timber come loose from a jig and sent the wood into my upper arm at about mach 6 hit me so hard I thought it had broken it. Only been cut once on one though, again much pacing about holding my hand and too scared to take a look, good cut but all fingers in the correct postion. I beleive the table saw is the biggest injury machine in the US for home-owners, and I,m not surprised. The mighty bobbin sander can also remove plenty of material in one pass like the belt sander, it also removes skin and flesh at a much quicker rate if your a little distracted as I well know. Spindle moulder This tool needs much respect and concentration whilst using it, spins at about 20,000 rpm and has very large cutting blades that sometimes become invisible as its spinning so quick. I've not caught a finger yet as I'm bloody terrified of the thing, but have had the odd blade/cutter break on me and they can go anywhere at very high speed, much ducking and checking of torso for shrapnell soon follows 2kg Lump Hammer Good strong and very usefull tool for impacting objects, now this one reminds me of last January when it was bloody freezing outside. I was fitting a door frame and needed to drift the frame into a rebate in the wall, like a good chap I used a block of wood against the frame where I was going to hit it, I was concentrating so hard on making sure i hit the block of wood,not the frame, I smacked my hand where I was holding it, huge cut running up the side of my finger where it squashed it and yet again much pacing about and squealing before I dare look, 4 temp stitches to bond it together and sore for weeks. Circular Saw Very usefull portable saw, never ever tie up the safety guard, Pliers Now this one was just plain stupid. Was using a small drill bit to drill out the infamous tiny rev 3 air box bolts that had rounded off, drilled the bolt and went to fit a lrger drill bit to finish the job, the drill chuck wouldnt release so I put the drill between my knees and got a set of pliers to wriggle and pull the drill bit out of the chuck (drill bit pointing up to me) after much grunting and twisting the bugger came free very qucikly and went straight through my chin into my gum I'm not sure why the pacing around in circles works so well in these circumstances but it does seem to help, Edited November 28, 2009 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted November 28, 2009 Report Share Posted November 28, 2009 some women have worked us out. 1. Men are like Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. 3.Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change Them. 4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right For your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many Inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13.. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are Handicapped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted November 29, 2009 Report Share Posted November 29, 2009 classic that zippy idmcc, the tool list brings back lots of memories lol, some very very recent I was using a percussion drill yesterday with a very large auger bit, the bit jammed and twisted my wrist nearly 360 degrees in about 0...1 seconds, loud crack and much pacing around the site holding it for a few minutes, nothing broke though luckily, I can just about think of all those tools and tell a story Mate of mine was using an electric planer, wasnt adjusted enough so....like you would with a normal hand held planer you run your thumb over the blade to see how sharp it is and how far out of the block it comes, hmmm of course with the electric planer switched on and spinning at about 20,000 rpm it soon whipped the face off his thumb and onto the wall ..I like this game... a while back I repaired an NHS industrial floor-polisher nothing like the domestic jobbies. We're talking the M1A1 Abrahams tank version of a polisher (High torque motor/ takes two people to lift it). So my 17 stone mate Dan (who was a bit of a dare-devil trials rider) thought it would be a good test for him to 'ride' it.... I warned him....and it launched him.. one busted ankle later, I finally stopped laughing when I took him to A+E. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted November 30, 2009 Report Share Posted November 30, 2009 I've had many a close call with this beast, had quite a large length of timber come loose from a jig and sent the wood into my upper arm at about mach 6 hit me so hard I thought it had broken it. Only been cut once on one though, again much pacing about holding my hand and too scared to take a look, good cut but all fingers in the correct postion. I beleive the table saw is the biggest injury machine in the US for home-owners, and I,m not surprised.The mighty bobbin sander can also remove plenty of material in one pass like the belt sander, it also removes skin and flesh at a much quicker rate if your a little distracted as I well know. Spindle moulder This tool needs much respect and concentration whilst using it, spins at about 20,000 rpm and has very large cutting blades that sometimes become invisible as its spinning so quick. I've not caught a finger yet as I'm bloody terrified of the thing, but have had the odd blade/cutter break on me and they can go anywhere at very high speed, much ducking and checking of torso for shrapnell soon follows 2kg Lump Hammer Good strong and very usefull tool for impacting objects, now this one reminds me of last January when it was bloody freezing outside. I was fitting a door frame and needed to drift the frame into a rebate in the wall, like a good chap I used a block of wood against the frame where I was going to hit it, I was concentrating so hard on making sure i hit the block of wood,not the frame, I smacked my hand where I was holding it, huge cut running up the side of my finger where it squashed it and yet again much pacing about and squealing before I dare look, 4 temp stitches to bond it together and sore for weeks. Circular Saw Very usefull portable saw, never ever tie up the safety guard, Pliers Now this one was just plain stupid. Was using a small drill bit to drill out the infamous tiny rev 3 air box bolts that had rounded off, drilled the bolt and went to fit a lrger drill bit to finish the job, the drill chuck wouldnt release so I put the drill between my knees and got a set of pliers to wriggle and pull the drill bit out of the chuck (drill bit pointing up to me) after much grunting and twisting the bugger came free very qucikly and went straight through my chin into my gum I'm not sure why the pacing around in circles works so well in these circumstances but it does seem to help, Mark of a true Pro! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idmcc_sec Posted November 30, 2009 Report Share Posted November 30, 2009 After all the tool stories here's a gem about a Tazer. Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2009 Thats bloody amazing some great quotes in there great find mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Thats bloody amazing some great quotes in there great find mate That is hilarious! Would the idmcc_ sec be a Mr Chicken? from his avatar? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houseape1000 Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Just read the tools list, and the tazer thing.....just brightened my day up loads. Thanks. By the way, my desk is just out of sight from my boss, but I am pretty sure he heard me laugh/cough up a bit of bacon and egg on toast through my right nostril. I am now trying to remove the snot and dribble from my hands without any tissue. ( think surprise sneeze ). Printer paper, as it turns out is pretty useless for this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant. "You silly idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too scared to cough" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idmcc_sec Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 That is hilarious!Would the idmcc_ sec be a Mr Chicken? from his avatar? No, it's Mr Cockerel. I've used that avatar for about 10 years now! Here's another little joke to keep you amused and probably true "Mummy, where do babies come from?" asks the little girl Mummy says "well Daddies make a liquid called sperm and put it inside Mummies" "Do Mummies eat it she asks?" "Only if they want new shoes " she replies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idmcc_sec Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Ferrari's New Pit Team Subject: Unemployment in Dundee The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Dundee . The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Dundee area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech gear. Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for...At the first practice session, the Dundee pit crew successfully changed the wheels and tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted December 3, 2009 Report Share Posted December 3, 2009 Who would of thought playing a few extra holes would cause Tiger so much trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted December 3, 2009 Report Share Posted December 3, 2009 Who would of thought playing a few extra holes would cause Tiger so much trouble. Oh my god, that is so horrible! All this could cost the lad millions!(for kicking the little ball around) Do you not realize he is a top athlete! It is a tough job and deserves much more respect than that! Maybe if you fessed up to screwing Oprah, the same would happen to her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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