Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[slapshot 3]

f(x)=sin(x) walks into a restaurant. The waiter says 'i'm sorry, you'll have to leave we don't do functions in here.'

------------------------------------------

A group of mathmatical symbols are in a bar chilling and generally being sociable.

Sigma is on his own in a corner.

Lambda asks delta, "why is sigma on his own in the corner?"

"oh he can't integrate"

[gizza5]

An old Pilot sat down at the Mug and Bean and ordered a cup of coffee. (Wearing his wings badge on his shirt)

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29,

and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.

When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[atomant]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[atomant]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for lumps."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

Edited November 28, 2009 by AtomAnt

[atomant]

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman...

The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."

So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying."

Edited November 28, 2009 by AtomAnt

[ham2]

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:

'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:

'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:

'Went away?'

Caller:

'They disappeared.'

Operator:

'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:

Nothing.'

Operator:

'Nothing??'

Caller:

'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:

'Are you still in wordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator:

'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:

'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:

'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:

'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:

'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:

'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light

that tells you when it's on??'

Caller:

'I don't know.'

Operator:

'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. can you see that??'

Caller:

'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:

'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:

'Yes, it is.'

Operator:

'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there

were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller:

'No.'

Operator:

'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller:

'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:

'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:

'I can't reach.'

Operator:

'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:

'No.'

Operator:

'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:

'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator:

'Dark??'

Caller:

'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator:

'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:

'I can't.'

Operator:

'No? Why not??'

Caller:

'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power.........

A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:

'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:

'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.

Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:

'Really? is it that bad?'

Operator:

'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:

'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:

'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer.'

Steveo...the worrying thing is that this story is true, my mate who worked for SAGE (accountancy software) here in the North East had exactly the same type of caller many years ago.

You have posted the abridged version, the original call was passed up the supervisory chain several times until the caller mentioned that the street lights were out!

My mate got his a*** kicked for losing his cool but he did say that the nature of the business (dealing with accountancy types ) normally precludes dealing with numpties .

[idmcc_sec]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for

[the addict]

nice one but a little to clever for anyone at RBS

[idmcc_sec]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale....

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whisky and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[idmcc_sec]

Rabbie Burns lost poem

JIM O SHACHTER

Intae the wids amongst the trees

Jim bared his erse, his cheeks tae ease

Nae sooner had his breeks gan doon

Than ****y flees were swarmin roon

Intae the wind he bared his baws

And frae his erse a big keech faws

The reek it curled amongst the trees

Twis enough tae mak the birdies sneeze

An a the beasts in burn and ditch

Got a whiff o something awfy rich

Big Jim he wis in awfy pain

It came out his erse like a nine pun wean

There wis a tear faw fae his ee

Fur a bigger ****e you'd never see

Big Jims erse wis raw and sair

Says Big Jim I'll ****e nae mair

Yonder it lay among the grit

A steemin, stinkin muckle ****

There it lay sae soft sae fresh

Nae hair ,nae teeth, nae brains, nae flesh

Tae wipe his erse Jim yaised a docken

While a aroon the birds were boacken

Jim happed it ower wi stanes and stoor

Then sauntered off across the moor

A wee bit quicker wi bein sae light

Efter riddin himself o that muckle ****e

Noo a've telt ye this tale for a wee bit laughter

A tale ye can tell for ever after

A tell ye noo, a swear its true

The tale o Jim o Shachter

[idmcc_sec]

Tools Explained

Some of these will put a mental picture in your head - sniggering follows

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[idmcc_sec]

The Rooster Rules

[idmcc_sec]

The Winalot Diet

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital like the last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V. drips in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned? I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

[ham2]

Rabbie Burns lost poem

JIM O SHACHTER

Intae the wids amongst the trees

Jim bared his erse, his cheeks tae ease

Nae sooner had his breeks gan doon

Than ****y flees were swarmin roon

Intae the wind he bared his baws

And frae his erse a big keech faws

The reek it curled amongst the trees

Twis enough tae mak the birdies sneeze

An a the beasts in burn and ditch

Got a whiff o something awfy rich

Big Jim he wis in awfy pain

It came out his erse like a nine pun wean

There wis a tear faw fae his ee

Fur a bigger ****e you'd never see

Big Jims erse wis raw and sair

Says Big Jim I'll ****e nae mair

Yonder it lay among the grit

A steemin, stinkin muckle ****

There it lay sae soft sae fresh

Nae hair ,nae teeth, nae brains, nae flesh

Tae wipe his erse Jim yaised a docken

While a aroon the birds were boacken

Jim happed it ower wi stanes and stoor

Then sauntered off across the moor

A wee bit quicker wi bein sae light

Efter riddin himself o that muckle ****e

Noo a've telt ye this tale for a wee bit laughter

A tale ye can tell for ever after

A tell ye noo, a swear its true

The tale o Jim o Shachter

:lol: Great..I'd love a translation, oh, and I misread the title and genuinely thought it was Burns last poem ...it made it that bit funnier....ignore me I've had a drink ..

[zippy]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast