Scottish Advent Calendar

Edited December 12, 200916 yr by idmcc_sec

Which is the odd one out?

A shark

A lobster

A crab

Or a Scouser.

The shark....The other 3 are thieving *******s who wear shell suits!

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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is

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I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

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After much brow-beating I attended Mrs. C.'s 30th year High School reunion. After a short while I noticed she had a lot of interest in a man sitting by himself at a nearby table... obviously drinking himself silly.

"Do you know him?", I asked.

"Yes..." said Mrs. C... "He was my boyfriend in school..." "He's been drinking ever since we broke up, so I hear... not a sober day"...

Says I..."Don't you think it's a little extreme to continue celebrating that long?"

...and that's when the fight started

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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery

store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked,

"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a

couple of streets and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar in the village.

I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get

to Heaven."

The little boy replied without hesitating "Oh, come on... You don't

even know the way to the Post Office,"

Edited December 12, 200916 yr by Slapshot 3

A man notices a small boy wearing a firefighters helmet sitting in a cart being pulled along by his pet dog, when he gets closer he see's that the cart is tied to the dogs boll0x,

"That's a nice fire engine" said the man "But would'nt the dog pull you faster if you tied the rope to his collar?" "Yeah,spose he would" said the boy "But then I would'nt have a ****ing siren"....

WARNING**** Slapshot3 and the Addict are re-cycling TC jokes****

You've got to watch out for copyright infringement these days

WARNING**** Slapshot3 and the Addict are re-cycling TC jokes****

You've got to watch out for copyright infringement these days

Ahhhh!!!!!!! have I done that one already Ham? will try harder

We've just had to scrap my father-in-laws christmas pressie, It appears 18 Holes with Tiger, was nothing to do with Golf!!

Oi.....what have I recycled???

Edited December 15, 200916 yr by Slapshot 3

It is near the Christmas break of

the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more

to do. All the

children are restless and the teacher decides to have an

early

dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first

and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get

outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years

Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham

Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go

home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin

Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can

do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.

Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also

leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer

to any of the

questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish

these b*****s would

keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO

NOW?"

We've just had to scrap my father-in-laws christmas pressie, It appears 18 Holes with Tiger, was nothing to do with Golf!!

Oi.....what have I recycled???

TC joke history-------Archives

As from march 2010 viagra will only be available under its chemical name.

please ask for 'mycoxaflopin'

Wife buys some crotchless panties, puts them on when she gets home and sticks her leg on the sofa, "want some of this" she says to hubby "**** off he says, look what its done to your knickers""

Edited December 16, 200916 yr by The Addict

Merry Christmas

Here

TC joke history-------Archives

I can barely remember last week never mind March!!

I've been on TC for a few years and have never looked at "anything goes" but after spending the last 2 hours I find your humor sick and twisted, my kind of people! So I'll give it a stab and join in. An old couple had just gotten married and before they consumated the marraige she told him,"before we begin I must tell you that I've got an acute agina" He repllies " thats a good thing cause those are the ugliest titties I've ever seen!"

A 43 page thread in just 5 days click me.

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we

all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, the res of the Chesescke a n a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr ow frigin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece