Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[copemech]

I may have blown up yhe website by posting this, but I will try again.

 

Caution! Language!

 

This is exactly what happens when you give a Texan some Scotch, then send his ass to France!

 

 

https://youtu.be/4-0igGffKrI

[spen]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

 

You all have obsessions, he stated. I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said: You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

 

He turned to the second Mum, Ann, Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky

 

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going

.

 

 

[spen]

I bumped into an old mate today. 

He said, "What you up to these days?" 
I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, alcoholics and down 'n' outs." 
He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" 































I said, "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons."

 

 

 

[laird387]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife, fortunately a blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said: 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

 

[laird387]

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

 

[spen]

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs

are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another

dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the

floor.

4. A dog's parents never

visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another

dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[tony27]

There goes half your stuff if you try that one

[laird387]

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'

 

[spen]

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" 

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all.

 

  

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"

Only when it's raining.

"

 

 

[laird387]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an

Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

With trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. 

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can 

Get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

 

[the addict]

[laird387]

 

 

Senior citizens are constantly being criticised for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.

We know we take responsibility for all we 

have

 done and do not try to blame others.

HOWEVER, 

upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was 

NOT 

senior citizens who took:

The 

melody

 out of music,

The 

pride

 out of appearance,

The 

courtesy

 out of driving,

The 

romance

 out of love,

The 

commitment

 out of marriage,

The 

responsibility

 

out of parenthood,

The 

togetherness

 out of the family,

The 

learning

 out of education,

The 

service

 out of patriotism,

The 

civility

 out of behavior,

The 

refinement

 out of language,

The 

dedication

 out of employment,

The 

prudence

 out of spending,

The 

ambition

 out of achievement.

And we certainly are 

NOT 

the ones who eliminated

 patience 

and 

tolerance

 from

 

personal relationships and interactions with

 

others!

 

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! 

I'm the life of the party.....Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

 

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....with a hammer.

 

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time, because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

 

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

 

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

 

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them. 

Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway. 

They won't remember, even if they did send it.

Spread the laughter Share the cheer, Lets be happy, While we're here

 

[spen]

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal  treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

 

I was impressed......
 
On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water... under his wife's instruction....

 

 

 

[spen]

I talked to a  homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended

 

up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my

 

clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had

 

TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. 

 

I was working on my MBA on-line.  I had no bills and no debt. I even

had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.  "No, no.

 

I just got out of prison..."

 

 

 

 

[spen]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is

invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and

his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: “Dear

Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your

wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.”

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note “Dear

Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's

habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you

will really look the part.”

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has

gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald

head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the

accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin

of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your

wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple.”