the addict

Don't **** about mate, spit it out and tell it as it is, non of this pussy footing around the subject

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, 0the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "

Did'nt miss a beat all day, 7 hours of riding, quite abit of it going up big climbs on full chat but no signs of a splutter or anything, must have been the throttle body failing,will pull it apart this week and see if I can spot anything ****ed

X lites will go down, mine did but not as quick as that, did it pop twice when you put it on? I'd de-flate it and blow it back on again

5 rules for a man to have a happy life 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other...

Why We Love Children 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pi$$ed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad.....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?' 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'' 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.' 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron!' 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?' 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.' 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?' 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and mum says I'm gonna get boobs too.'

FFS gets worse by the day????? Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't part of your childhood supposed to be about learning all lifes highs and lows,dangers etc etc and how to deal with them in the future?

Corrogated onduline is far better than metal, I'm pretty sure you'll get condesation from steel, use a ply or OSB base for it, yes felt is not the best but its quick and cheap if budget counts sometimes, will need to do it again every 3-5 years

I've built many a shed over the years, my workshop at home is timber throughout. Never had any condensation problems whatsoever, usually make the frames/stud work from 4by2 pressure treated R/S or PSE at 16 inch centres, floor structure 4 by 2 or up to 6 by 2 if a large shed, roof same depending on the span. 3/4 inch OSB on floor and roof, floor usually covered in 6 or 9mm ply so it looks better, loft insulation between stud work/joist and internal facing with 6 or 9mm exterior plywood. Exterior is normally clad with 15-18mm shiplap or feather-edged boards and a good quality felt on the roof, make sure you make the door of heavy construction with mortice lock and two heavy duty hasp and staples/padlocks. The door is always the weak point, mine has two alarms on it. I used to have a sliding metal bar that was hidden from the outside that could be pushed into the back of the door so even if the locks were breached the door still wouldnt open and have the scumbags scratching their arses wondering why. Make sure you also use heavy butt hinges on the door not band type hinges that can be unscrewed for the outside. If windows are needed I made internal shutters that hinge from the top of the frame via a piano hinge and latch to the ceiling when you need the light. A mate of mine who used to make nothing but sheds never liked to use the wrap/membrane as this caused condensation, shed needs to breath a little, none of mine have membranes and none are damp.

errr I'll try this one, might be knocked off though Cat and a rooster sitting on the edge of a pond Cat falls in the pond and the Rooster p****s himself laughing Moral of the story? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .wherever theres a wet pussy, theres a happy cock

I bought Mrs Addict a huge expensive boquet of flowers last Valentines day, she was absolutley over the moon with them and said "suppose I'll have to open me legs for those" I said "Havent you got a ****ing vase then?" THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK. 1. Specifically 2. Anti-costitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK 1. No thanks, I'm married 2. Nope, no more booze for me 3. Sorry, but your really not my type 4. No, I don't want to see your tit's ******************************************************************************** **** my mates wife left him on friday. She said she was going for a pint of milk and he's not seen her since. I asked "how are you coping?" " Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff!" *********************************************************** A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a load of boll0x, I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time". She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest kn0b.

****ing sneaky weasels, I didnt know that to be honest, but nothing surprises me anymore from Labour

I'll have a go at that mate Right then, interesting morning in the shed with Gerts, Banged the new loom on (or rather Rod did it for me) bike fired up fine as always and still did its dying and picking up again every minute or so. Bit gutted to be honest as I was hoping a new loom would cure it of that, did notice though the bike sounded more grunty and throttle response was better? anyway Rod said why don't we stick another throttle body on whilst he was there to eliminate that part of the bike. Swapped it over and fired her up....................................................no dying of the revs at all?????????????? ran like it had never run before to be honest, didnt miss a beat at all, few rides arouind the garden and bike seems perfect. Still have to run it hard on Sunday to see if the coughing/stalling problem has been solved but things are actually looking up now Stuck a new Mitani clutch in as well and you forget how good a new clutch is till you get one

Little Red Indian boy talking to his father Big Chief sitting Bull, Daddy why do we all have funny names like sitting bull, half moon, rising sun? Well my son says the chief, when a woman goes to the woods to give birth at the very moment of birth she looks around the wood and names us the first thing she see's, now do you have any more questions for me little two dogs shaggging Apologies to Ham if this ones on here, I do like it though

French Army Knife Mark, you've chosen Andy's fave joke subject, be pages of French jokes now George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air. Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle. George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this". New French Army monthly mag

A FRENCHMAN named Pierre was walking through the small town he lived in with a friend. He pointed to a row of houses and says, "You see those houses? I built those houses! But do they call me Pierre the Housebuilder..No" They walked along a bit futher, and he points to a number of boats in the harbour. "You see those boats ? I built those boats! But do they call me Pierre the Boat Builder? NO!" Then he turns to his friend and says "BUT MAKE LOVE TO JUST ONE GOAT AND YOU ARE LABELED FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French ******* again.'

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!" The French general asks "Why did you do that?" The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope." A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!" The French battle flag - three white fleur-de-lies on a white background. You are the President of the United States. Astronomers have spotted a meteor headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in three days, at approximately 3:30 am EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe France from the face of the earth. France and the UN have requested that the US immediately send all available ships and aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of French people are gathered on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for US ships to appear on the horizon. The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide: (1) Do you stay up that night to watch live coverage of the impact, or (2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day? Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there? A: He's the one with a duck. Q: How do you know if an Italian is there? A: He bet on the duck. Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there? A: The duck wins. The Eskimo language has 26 words for "snow". The French language has 26 words for "retreat". FOR SALE: French rifles . . .never fired, only dropped once. The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

New loom arrived today (thanks Munch) stick the **** on tomorrow along with a new plug and see what happens? if no joy will have to let someone sort it who knows what they're doing instead of my guesses ah and new clutch and headstock bearings

Stockers in a pretty tatty way now Mark, the Cobra ones are thinner and use much higher grade components that will stay clean for longer, the 4rt cables like Gerts frame are fat

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!' The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!' The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'Probably at work'

Mate stuck the 4rt wheel in his Gasser today and it goes no probs, slightly to the left but 30 mins on the lathe will make the spacers up to correct it

What do you call a Muslim female stripper??? . . . . . . .. .. .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......Yaseen Maimuff

Thanks Andrew, will see if we can offer a Sherco one up to it then