slapshot 3 Posted December 5, 2011 Report Share Posted December 5, 2011 Indian Pop Charts 35 Poppadum Preach - Madonna 34 Korma Chameleon - Culture Club 33 Bhaji Trousers - Madness 32 King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham 31 Dansak Queen - Abba 30 Korma People - Pulp 29 Tikka Chance On Me - Abba 28 When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole 27 You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes 26 Korma Police - Radiohead 25 Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream 24 Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue 23 It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles 22 Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits 21 Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths 20 Pilau Talk - Doris Day 19 It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To - D.Stewart/B.Gaskin 18 I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua 17 Sag Aloo - Black lace 16 Take That and Chapati - Take That 15 Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji - Lisa Stansfield 14 I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant 13 Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie 12 We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge 11 Vindaloo - Abba 10 I Don't Want to Go to Chutney - Elvis Costello 9 Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice 8 Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss 7 Tandoori Deliver - Adam and the Ants 6 Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley 5 We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off - Jermaine Jackson 4 Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers 3 Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf 2 Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard 1 Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 6, 2011 Report Share Posted December 6, 2011 As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............ "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving a feckin gritter......." ------------------------------ The Rabbi's widow In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it is good to have sex." So they did, then she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it is good to have sex." So they did.They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it is good to have sex." So they did.After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying is good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 6, 2011 Report Share Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) Last night gav reached for his liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. Apparently he woke this morning with a huge correction. ------------------------- My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ then I saw her face. ---------------------- I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. --------------------------------- My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. ----------------------------- I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' ---------------------------- Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! ----------------------- Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!' ------------------------------- I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' ----------------------------------- Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years. Edited December 6, 2011 by Slapshot 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekarter Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) A truly touching story.... I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought: "This Taser is well worth the money" (no girls were actually injured in the making of this joke ) Edited December 7, 2011 by joekarter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Donald pmsl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted December 11, 2011 Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 What's very big, got curly hair and is guaranteed to hurt sensitive little c..ts? Jeremy Clarkson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted December 11, 2011 Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Don''t blink (the UK folk will get the reference. I hope) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) Oh ok for you non-Dr Who fans, this should explain it. It was one of the most terrifying Dr Whos I have ever seen. Don't blink Edited December 12, 2011 by TooFastTim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Oh ok for you non-Dr Who fans, this should explain it. It was one of the most terrifying Dr Whos I have ever seen. Don't blink Tim, were you an alter boy? did you have a bad experience at Church when you were younger? Cos that Dr. Who stuff was complete tosh, worse than a sixth form drama class, it's so formulaic... Act 1 Scene one, Cursory introduction of 'red-shirt' (i.e an incidental character in science-fiction who dies soon after being introduced).No close-ups required. Scene two, Basic scene setting for this weeks new enemy/location/battle etc.. so it's not long before:- Actor A or B or C or D; looks up to the camera (15 degrees off straight ahead) and shouts:- i) 'IT'S GOING TO EXPLODE' or ii) 'IF THEY SUCCEED THEN WE'LL ALL DIE' or ii) 'WE ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE' or iv) 'IF WE CAN ONLY DIVERT THE POWER' or some other **** Camera zooms in on actors face to emphasise anger/angst/fear/commitment. Scene three, Actor A/B/C/D shouts 'RUN !!' then ,from out of nowhere a corridor appears (which was never previously shown ) for the cast members to run down in Marx Brothers style, goodies first then the baddies. Scene four, Some sort of attack/storm/explosion involving the room/vessel that our goodies are in whereupon our cast need to grab onto a flimsy piece of set( paper mache?) and mime like Marcel Marceaux in a tumble drier .Cue; shaky camera work and Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Tim, were you an alter boy? did you have a bad experience at Church when you were younger? Cos that Dr. Who stuff was complete tosh, worse than a sixth form drama class, it's so formulaic... Act 1 Scene one, Cursory introduction of 'red-shirt' (i.e an incidental character in science-fiction who dies soon after being introduced).No close-ups required. Scene two, Basic scene setting for this weeks new enemy/location/battle etc.. so it's not long before:- Actor A or B or C or D; looks up to the camera (15 degrees off straight ahead) and shouts:- i) 'IT'S GOING TO EXPLODE' or ii) 'IF THEY SUCCEED THEN WE'LL ALL DIE' or ii) 'WE ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE' or iv) 'IF WE CAN ONLY DIVERT THE POWER' or some other **** Camera zooms in on actors face to emphasise anger/angst/fear/commitment. Scene three, Actor A/B/C/D shouts 'RUN !!' then ,from out of nowhere a corridor appears (which was never previously shown ) for the cast members to run down in Marx Brothers style, goodies first then the baddies. Scene four, Some sort of attack/storm/explosion involving the room/vessel that our goodies are in whereupon our cast need to grab onto a flimsy piece of set( paper mache?) and mime like Marcel Marceaux in a tumble drier .Cue; shaky camera work and Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Cheers Slapshot3, my blood group is the same as my family motto...B negative 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 That cat would be a brillant Minder,(gardener) observer wouldn't have a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted December 14, 2011 Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time aka, just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?' 'Great, Grandpa,' the little girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single t*sser, blind bast*rd, f**k-wit, d*ck-head, A*ian pr*ck, w*nker or a t*wel-head anywhere today!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 14, 2011 Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 If Santa Answered His Letters Honestly.....makes you feel warm and fuzzy ... Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in Bin-emptying. How about I send you a book so that you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, I bet! Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mother, who fleeces him constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some Nike trainers, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I left milk and biscuits for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of malt Whisky. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China . I have a villa in Spain where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.... I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the bums of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the cards table. Well,, you wanted to know. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging sh!t may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a jumper again. Santa ********************************************* Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a*** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent Council flat . Third, I get inside your place just like the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Ooo! Sweet dreams, Santa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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