Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[steveo]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland Australia.)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[toofasttim]

This could quite honestly be the funniest thing we're ever likely to read see or hear....Ever!! Firstly, make sure you are NOT eating or drinking anything at the times and there are no hot drinks around you that could possibly burn bits you don't want burned, click the link, read the headline then look at the name of the columnist.... :rotfl:

Clicky

due to the subject matter I will apologise for this one..

You're a twisted and evil man, but I like your sense of humour. Good one Donald.

[ham2]

Dear Deirdre

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Newcastle. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Geordie ?

..old joke..re-hashed

I would retaliate with the joke about the ''Kinky Scotsman'' but Andy deletes it on sight.

[b40rt]

..old joke..re-hashed

I would retaliate with the joke about the ''Kinky Scotsman'' but Andy deletes it on sight.

True - but I think its about 3 : 1 to you at the moment.

[b40rt]

Save the Whale

[the addict]

This could quite honestly be the funniest thing we're ever likely to read see or hear....Ever!! Firstly, make sure you are NOT eating or drinking anything at the times and there are no hot drinks around you that could possibly burn bits you don't want burned, click the link, read the headline then look at the name of the columnist.... :rotfl:

Clicky

due to the subject matter I will apologise for this one..

That can't be for real?????????????????

[the addict]

Viz letters and top tips

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.

Yours Werner Hoffman, Munich.

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one

one toblerone box,

cut into one inch sections, makes a good mould for home made triangular chocolates

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p***ing in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT ****ing one.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat *******s.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Edited March 29, 2010 by The Addict

[slapshot 3]

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.

The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

[slapshot 3]

My mate's just gone and got himself a Polish girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.........turns out she's a Slovak................

-----------------------------------------

Paddy rushes into the hospital says" can someone help me the wife's in the car and she's having a baby",

Nurse says to paddy " is she dilated "

"Dilated she's over the f***ing moon" says paddy.

--------------------------------

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Mais Certainement sir," says John-Baptiste the smarmy waiter. "Would you laahk to choose your squeed from ze tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer.

"Mais Non!" Exclaims the waiter. "But he's the Chef's Favvoreet! 'E eez so small an' cute and friendlee. Surely Monsuier would prefer one ze the bigger, tastier ones non?"

"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one".

So the waiter gets the little green squid out and takes him to the chef - Jervaise - who puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a cute fluffy smile!

"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed'

Enter Hans: A massive Little Bustard with tattoos all over his bare arms. Grunting, he takes the knife and pins down the wriggling squid while Jervaise bawls his eyes out in the corner of the kitchen.

Hans raises the knife to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the cute little squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little tentacles and twitching his little 'tache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him.

Eventually the waiter is forced to go out to the customer and explain why he can't have that particular squid....

Well you see Monsuieur........ Ze Hans that does ze dishes is as soft as Jervaise with ze mild-green furry-lip squid.

----------------------------------------------

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One British soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Brit is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The British voice calls out again "One Brit is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

----------------------------------------------------

Heathrow Airport security staff have detained an arab who they discovered had a joint of meat up his bum.

It appears he's a member of Hamass.

[slapshot 3]

Condoms

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (A VERY poor seller)

[ham2]

.... Ze Hans that does ze dishes is as soft as Jervaise with ze mild-green furry-lip squid.

Sometimes a groaner is better than a belly laugh!!!

...Anyhow,while we're on,I've always wondered what's with the 'Jean-Baptiste' references?

I gather it's some sort of French/Canadian niggle?

Any info?

[gizza5]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "

[gasgasman280]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

[copemech]

I do not usually send around messages like this one... but these kids were ingenious and sent a powerful message that we should all hear!

Kind of like the kid who took the Chemistry Final and finished a half hour before everyone else. However, rules were once you sat down you could not get up until the Proctor said so. There he sat and after a few minutes he nodded off. When the bell rang he woke up only to see the Proctor looking at him in an empty room. It seems he slept 5 minutes PAST the allotted time and had not turned in his paper. He walked up and tried to hand his Exam to the Proctor but was told that since he was asleep and didn't turn it in on time he would get a Zero.

The student, perplexed and angry that the Proctor who clearly saw he had finished early would be such a jerk. He looked him square in the eye and asked, "Do you know WHO I AM?" The Proctor, stood up, leaned forward looked the student square in the eye and said, "No... I have no idea WHO YOU ARE and I really don't care!"

The Student quickly took his exam paper and inserted it into the stack of exams that had been piled on the desk between them. With that he smiled at the Proctor and said, "Good! Thank you," and left!

[zippy]

I do not usually send around messages like this one... but these kids were ingenious and sent a powerful message that we should all hear!

Kind of like the kid who took the Chemistry Final and finished a half hour before everyone else. However, rules were once you sat down you could not get up until the Proctor said so. There he sat and after a few minutes he nodded off. When the bell rang he woke up only to see the Proctor looking at him in an empty room. It seems he slept 5 minutes PAST the allotted time and had not turned in his paper. He walked up and tried to hand his Exam to the Proctor but was told that since he was asleep and didn't turn it in on time he would get a Zero.

The student, perplexed and angry that the Proctor who clearly saw he had finished early would be such a jerk. He looked him square in the eye and asked, "Do you know WHO I AM?" The Proctor, stood up, leaned forward looked the student square in the eye and said, "No... I have no idea WHO YOU ARE and I really don't care!"

The Student quickly took his exam paper and inserted it into the stack of exams that had been piled on the desk between them. With that he smiled at the Proctor and said, "Good! Thank you," and left!