the addict

I've heard recently that Viagra is now avalilable in powder form,for use in your tea...It doesn't improve your sexual performance,but it does stop your biscuit from going ****in soft!!....

I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening."That's my husband," she said,"Quick,try the back door",I knew I should left before her husband caught me,but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that....

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I ha...ve been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."

Big thanks to the Leamington Victory club for putting on a great event this evening at Edge Hill near Banbury, very well supported, all sections covered with observers and cracking weather, thanks to all who helped put the event on.

They say 1 in every 4 men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.

IT'S A BOY! I shouted A BOY,I DON'T BELIEVE IT,IT'S A BOY!! And with tears streaming down my face,i swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!!

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed..Inside he found 3 eggs,and £7000 in cash"What are the eggs for?" asks the husband.She replied,"Everytime we had crap sex,i would put an egg in the box."Not bad" says the husband,"3 eggs in 35 yrs,and the cash?"She replies,"Everytime i got a dozen i sold them...

Its kind of irrelevant if you want to copy them as the gearboxes are far from what a standard 4rt has in it.

met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

A blonde woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms. "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned". The first day ...was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please. The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her. She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!” The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!!..

Change the plug, sorted.

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their a*** with an iPad.

A Jewish daughter says to her mother.. ..... "I'm divorcing Nathan." All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece." ... Her mother says ..... "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, You live in an 8 bedroom mansion You drive a £250,000 Ferrari, You get £2,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and You want to throw all that away... Over 45 pence..?

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys." The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a ****ing chimney." ...The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.

I suggested to the wife that she should shave her **** to spice up our love life.........l woke up bald this morning!!..

Halfway through my shift at the photo shop yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife. Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them, so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?" "Yes please," he said sheepishly. I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat a*** and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim!!..

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies. "Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.... Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?" "Your ****ing horse phoned!

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive c...are with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s a*** and a car hit me.

I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?" The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?" I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?" He says, "I haven't got time for all that." I said, "You ****ing found time yesterday!!..

I was sitting on the train opposite a really sexy Thai girl today when I suddenly thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection!" But she did..

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op!!..

Topical yet so wrong. RIP Keith Harris, the only entertainer from the 80's to touch an underage bird and not get convicted

I've seen loads of videos this evening from Japan. Its incredible just how relaxed and easy Bou made of these sections, its very much like a demonstration rather than a competition and his score showed it.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your h...air again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your knob and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

The oil as we all know is the main lubricant in a two stroke engine and is necessary to stop seizure/wear/damage. Its not all as cut and dry as that though as the amount of liquid passing through the engine at any one time is also vitally important and very often the cause of seizure rather than the ratio of oil in the fuel mix.