joekarter

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. Mother's day is coming up and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

What we all really need is a giant bin of these things that we can all try out until we find the one that feels "just right". I'm 6' and a set of 5" Jitisie bars completely transformed how I feel on my 2011 Evo. Wobblenorbed is correct, if you have clamps that can use risers that's a really good place to start.

I started out being a fan of the sport in the Lemond days and watched every Tour Lance "won" . I thought it was not only amazing that he was able to accomplish all this after the battle with cancer, but was able to bring what was essentially an American team to the forefront. I bought several of his books, read the articles, and I convinced family members to watch and cheer along with me. And it was all a lie. None of us would accept this sort of dishonesty, cheating, or intimidation of others from our 12 year old kids. Why should someone who passed themselves off as an American sports hero be given a pass simply because they're famous? Yes, a fair amount of the folks in those Tours were cheating. But, somewhere back in the pack....say 15th or 20th, there was the first guy who wasn't, and (regardless of his nationality) that's the rider who should have heard the crowd on Alpe d'huez, not someone who was willing to betray his sport and the American public. Personally I would have far greater respect for Lance if he had only entered one tour, finished 95th working as a domestique for a legit rider, and worked to raise cancer awareness from what would have admittedly been a far more limited platform. At least that would have come from a position of honesty.

Merry Christmas to all my trials friends

Final Exam for The Sensitivity Course For Men 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing. C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You always time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss Fox Sports Center. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affection for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron. 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to an entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Evaluating Results: If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered C more than 7 times, you're a healthy average male.

Happy fathers day! A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Dinner and a movie date with Mrs Joekarter is already set up for next Saturday!

These things use itsy bitsy pilot jets and use such small amounts of gas that it often sits in the tank long enough to go bad. A clean carb and a new plug will probably work wonders. Welcome to trials....you'll have a blast

You know you really have moved to Arizona when your new neighbors let their 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Two questions: How much do you weigh with your gear on? Does the bike have any free sag at all with the "1/3 of it's travel" setup?

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For months and months he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from Dr. Mieszko Dabrowski, the factory psychologist. After six months of therapy, Dr. Dabrowski gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Rahel , became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Rahel gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis . She looked up and said, "I don't understand! What about the pickle slicer?" Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." His wife asks, " Where's his wheelchair?"

Bob had been out of work for nearly six months, when he was walked by the job center window and saw a card advertising for a gynecologist's assistant. Thinking he had finally found his dream job, he rushed in to ask the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions. Then, you apply shaving cream, gently shave off all their hair and finally rub in soothing and lubricating oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000. However to start you'll have to go to nearly 800 miles east of here." "Good grief, is that where the job's at?" "Oh no--that's where the end of the line is."

The latest stress management technique from the pages of Psychological Times Monthly. 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling!!! The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing, but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!

Naw. just the location of the elusive, often rumored to be in existence, Beta service manual. (it's hidden with the chalice)

Check your e-mail

Merry Christmas to everyone from Cottonwood Arizona (the center of the trials universe) Joe and Lisa

Take a look-see here: http://www.americanbeta.com/sites/default/files/pdf/2012Support/Owners%20Manuals/Mototrial/2008%20Rev%20125-270%202%20stroke.pdf

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."

A truly touching story.... I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought: "This Taser is well worth the money" (no girls were actually injured in the making of this joke )

If anyone on your side of the pond imports this: http://www.vmar.com/chain-guide.html I can highly recommend it. (I have no association with the company, just a customer)

Some thoughts on inexpensive stuff from some drag racing experience: Build a set of wheelie bars 1 tooth smaller on the counter-shaft sprocket Find a road racer and get some sticky tire take-offs Suspension setups a little softer on the front rebound (more weight transfer) a little stiffer on the front compression (keep the weight back) a little softer on the rear compression and spring (again more weight transfer) a little stiffer on the rear rebound (this will keep the rear squat longer) Run the wheelbase as long as you can (this makes the bike more stable and generally helps hook-up) Push the forks all the way down in the clamps as far as you can (again more stable) Make sure the bike is plenty warmed up before the pass Here's a good place to ask a question or two and get ideas http://forums.dragbike.com/default.asp

Today the sport I grew up with and have watched all my life lost one of it's best. RIP Dan. My condolences to his family Joe