thespikeyone Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night. "You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said. "Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye. "Salad tastes nice." Just heard the 2012 Olympics will have the 'French Self-Defence' event. Or the marathon as it's known. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thespikeyone Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park. She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me. "You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it." "My ******* scarf's trapped in the door, you idiot," she replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 The wife and I have not been speaking to each other for quite some time. I am still rather upset with her about something she said quite a few years ago. She said "Let's have kids" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Last week, she checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture. She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips , everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." =========================== Boom Boom ========================================== At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable. "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.." "Correct." A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father." =========================== Boom Boom ========================================== The Irish Millionaire The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 You still here ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted September 27, 2011 Report Share Posted September 27, 2011 Barbie Q Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trialswarrior Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?" Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?" Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?" Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?" Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?" Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?" Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 Barbie Q This is great, but nothing as compared to some of the punishment we put GI Joe through when kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feetupfun Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 man who walks through security at airport with erection likely going to Bangkok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 man who walks through security at airport with erection likely going to Bangkok Half asleep, clicked on new post link and first thing I saw was this. Choke/coffee/monitor moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 An Army Major visiting some sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man.", says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man.", says the Major. He goes to the last bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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