slapshot 3

If you're going to troll you'll have your posts deleted Forum Moderator

Just been up at Craiglash for a look around, everything looks okay, some ice and snow about but nothing that will affect the trial. Roads wise, not much left closed all the main trunk roads are passable though one or two higher roads still have problems with drifting snow. Looks like the Lecht has opened back up so assume the roads are open from that direction.

Now if der Obergrupenfuhrer had put that of the front page, the bugger would have had us all going!!

Condoms Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better. Tesco Condoms - every little helps. Nike Condoms - Just do it. Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life. Galaxy Condoms - why have rubber when you can have silk. KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good. Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Safeway condoms - Lightening the load. Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough. Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. Duracell condoms - keep going and going. Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop. Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide FCUK condoms - no comment required. Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain Halford condoms - we go the extra mile. On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!! Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long Renault condoms - size really does matter! Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (sorry!) Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world. AA Condoms - the 4th emergency service Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (A VERY poor seller)

My mate's just gone and got himself a Polish girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.........turns out she's a Slovak................ ----------------------------------------- Paddy rushes into the hospital says" can someone help me the wife's in the car and she's having a baby", Nurse says to paddy " is she dilated " "Dilated she's over the f***ing moon" says paddy. -------------------------------- A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Mais Certainement sir," says John-Baptiste the smarmy waiter. "Would you laahk to choose your squeed from ze tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Mais Non!" Exclaims the waiter. "But he's the Chef's Favvoreet! 'E eez so small an' cute and friendlee. Surely Monsuier would prefer one ze the bigger, tastier ones non?" "No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So the waiter gets the little green squid out and takes him to the chef - Jervaise - who puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a cute fluffy smile! "It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed' Enter Hans: A massive Little Bustard with tattoos all over his bare arms. Grunting, he takes the knife and pins down the wriggling squid while Jervaise bawls his eyes out in the corner of the kitchen. Hans raises the knife to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the cute little squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little tentacles and twitching his little 'tache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him. Eventually the waiter is forced to go out to the customer and explain why he can't have that particular squid.... Well you see Monsuieur........ Ze Hans that does ze dishes is as soft as Jervaise with ze mild-green furry-lip squid. ---------------------------------------------- A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One British soldier is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Brit is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The British voice calls out again "One Brit is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them." ---------------------------------------------------- Heathrow Airport security staff have detained an arab who they discovered had a joint of meat up his bum. It appears he's a member of Hamass.

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure. As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

This could quite honestly be the funniest thing we're ever likely to read see or hear....Ever!! Firstly, make sure you are NOT eating or drinking anything at the times and there are no hot drinks around you that could possibly burn bits you don't want burned, click the link, read the headline then look at the name of the columnist.... :rotfl: Clicky due to the subject matter I will apologise for this one..

If it's Pirelli's just let all the air out and run em flat, they still won't grip worth a **** but they'll still look fully inflated

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" -------------------------------------------------------- 3 explorers, Justin, Mark and Andy were out working in the jungle when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. Andy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound. Andy gets to 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. Mark comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the Indians killed him too. Now the Andy and Mark's souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. Andy says 'FFS Mark why did you laugh you could've gone back and told our families what had happened'. 'Sorry" Mark replied, "I just couldn't stop when I saw Justin comin down the hill with 10 pineapples."

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" -------------------------- Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood. ----------------------------- A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'you're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Blazer .338 caliber sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....and he's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson'. 'The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....' ------------------------------------------------- A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied. ------------------------------------------------ One day a blonde felt very hungry so she walked into the nearest building, went up to the counter and asked in a loud voice," CAN I PLEASE HAVE A CHEESE BURGER, FRIES AND A DIET COKE." The lady at the counter said quietly, "Ma'am this is a library." "Ohhhhh" "I'll have a cheese burger, fries, and a diet coke," the blonde whispered.

You might have done now mate...

Today I bought myself a new pair of sensible walking boots and a little rucksack . I went for a five mile walk in the lake district.I then stopped and rested on a dry stone wall for a while and had a lovely cup of coffee from my thermos flask . I then walked another five miles and had a chocolate biscuit. I then. . . . . .Oh ! sorry I'm rambling. ------------------------------------------- A Jewish Rabbi went to a multi-faith conference and became really friendly with an Irish Roman-catholic preist. On their last evening they were having a char rogether over a parting drink when the Priest said "You know Rabbi, one thing I've never been able to understand is your refusal to eat pork. I'm sure you must have been tempted, so, strictly between us, have you ever eaten pork?" The Rabbi replied "Well, as its just us, I must admit that I did once eat some roast pork with apple sauce and all the trimmings. it was good, but I've managerd to resist the temptation since... But Father, while we're talking about the rules of our religions, I've never really understood your insistence on Celibacy! So, again just between us, have you ever.. you know... been with a girl?" The priest looked round to make sure that no-one was listening and then said "Well, Rabbi, as its only us here I have to confess that I was once fond of a young lady and we spant the night in bed together..." A wide grin spread over the Rabbi's face "Ah... It's better than pork isn't it?" --------------------------------------- Two owls are sat having a beer in a pub. One turns to the other and says, "By the way, I got married last week". The second one says, "You twit, to who?"

Y'all shout about things being bigger and better in Texas......That was just a Texan Flurry

...and that just two of the research scientists...

Some of the work James Clerk Maxwell did with electromagnetics was fascinating but the maths..... beyond me, same with William Hamilton. Strange how so many different branches of physics work on the basis of early langrangian theories, Omega's origins lie there as well. Poisson Algebra anyone??

I fecking hate maths, that's why computers were invented. In an exam I did years ago we had to write the proof of a thing called the Omega Equation...... omega equation do feel free to investigate....

The "quench" issue is something that intrigues me. LHC are pushing the absolutes of Physics to reach the target of formally identifying Higgs boson however how many more absolutes are going to have to be established to get the conditions right to detect the particle. Are they going to have to reach supercooling levels never before achieved to keep the magnets stable? to me at this stage there are more questions than answers as to where the physics goes to reach the targets they are aiming for.

No.... stop.....Enough ... could be worse could be Justin and his "wood" mags

Large Hadron Collider - 3.5 TRILLION Electron Volts You excited yet Tim???

liviob, is it maybe more to do with the platform the footrests give you rather than the height?? the 2010 Evo i was on had a superb balance and feel with a pair of ghost footrests on it.

You know better, she'll slap you... I was too young and stupid to be thinking about burdz back then....late developer!!

That's the age issue for you.....we could manage the weigh in, Monday and with any luck be back in the Fort by 7pm on the Friday. Exam years were the worst, trying to sit o'levels and highers when your mind was in Fort William or what ever groups of sections you would have been at that day. I do remember standing in the High Street comparing Arithmetic and Physics answers with a (now) Mrs Witham many years ago.....

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.