No Andy, I know your tempted but dont go for it ....

I have just paid my Tenner for Site Supporter, reckon Andy could get Mother & Daughter for that?

I think Andy was heading to TTC today! Friggin Scooby WRX in front if me for near 200 miles in Alabama!

2500 RPM and 25 lbs of boost at times. I think he got a bit nervous when I started drafting him with something 3500 kilos up his rear!

Edited March 30, 201214 yr by copemech

Apparently today was National Premature Ejaculation Day.....it was supposed to be Thursday but.....

...I thought the Pharmacist was very rude when I asked 'How do you use these suppositories....'

Some more one liners...............

I've been trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but I keep getting a recorded message that keeps saying "press 1 for the money 2 for the show..."

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

If you say 'gullible' really slowly, it sounds like 'go fill your car up'.

I keep thinking I'm being haunted by the ghost of Maurice Gibb.......He gives me the ebebeegees

Andy Carroll has said he won't celebrate scoring a goal against Newcastle. Same as most other games then, Andy!

I was trying to get work as a paid assassin. It didn't work out though, I think I set my sights too high.

This week is Good Friday, where all thoughts turn to a long haired man who died on the end of a cross. ......Happy Easter, Andy Carroll.

I hate jokes about Vietnam.....They really Hanoi me.

We were so poor we used to get school clothes from the Army shop. I got really bullied dressed as a Japanese sniper

Statistics show that 5,456,297,472 people were too lazy to read that number.

Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?.....Because he said he wouldn't

BBC Breaking News: 'Up to 40,000 homes are without electricity in the north of England after gales and ice brought down power lines'....Ha ha ha - that would never happen in Sco

Fool people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussaud's by having your photo taken with various celebrities.

I've taken up snooker but am fed up with buying all the equipment that goes with it. The table, the cue, the balls.... and the rest

What if birds are not singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For months and months he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from Dr. Mieszko Dabrowski, the factory psychologist.

After six months of therapy, Dr. Dabrowski gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Rahel , became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Rahel gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis . She looked up and said, "I don't understand! What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and

watching the front door of the brothel across the road. They see the local Methodist

pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.

"Would you look at that!" exclaims the first Irishman. "Didn't I always

say what a bunch of hypocrites those Methodists are??"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the

brothel door, knocks, and also disappears inside.

"Dere's another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and

silly hats!"

They continue drinking while roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

when they see their local Catholic priest knock on the brothel door.

"Ah, now dat's sad," says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died."

I'm not happy, my girlfriend has accused me of being a stalker !

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...yet

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A state trooper stopped a 95 year old woman on interstate 20, and noticed as he was checking her drivers license, that she

had a concealed carry permit.

He said, "Got any guns with you ma'am?"

She said, "Yes, a 45 Smith & Wesson in the glove compartment, a 357 magnum in the console and a 38 special in my purse."

The trooper said "Lady, what are you scared of?" She said, "NOT A DAMN THING!!

Becarefull not to mix the pipes when using this product http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes , here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

You know you really have moved to Arizona when your new neighbors let their 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Where the hell am I?

I took this shot, not quite sure bout the spelling, however when I looked it up on urban dictionary it was there and even worse than I thunk!

Ok, this one for Ham!