the addict

I visited a new themed restaurant last night called Hot Chocolate, after the Seventies pop group. The menu was amazing, "It started with a quiche".

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For **** sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

I've never found much grip with a Dunlop front, swap it for a Mich and run at 6psi, 4 psi back for a IRC or Mich Xlite. My Mont came with Dunlops front and rear, I ran the front for a year and swapped it for a Mich and couldn't believe how much more grip there was.

The Vee rubber is your problem, the Rev3's always gripped really well, stick a IRC or Mich on it. I wouldn't fit a Vee Rubber even if it was free.

Jitsie for me

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion?"

Brilliant mate thanks, enjoyed those

During my wife's labour, the midwife came up to us and said, how about Epidural Anesthesia?" I said, "thanks, but we've already picked a name.

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’ Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s. At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?’ The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes’.

I have just been watching the ladies beach volleyball today,and there has already been a bad wrist injury...The doctor says i should be ok by the morning

"Haram"

Whatever brand you use make sure you carefully take off the plastic bearing covers and pack them well with new waterproof grease.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left...

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor ******* must have wondered what the **** was going on...

A teacher called Mrs. Franny, arrived at school on her first day. She met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Fanny." Mrs Franny sighed, "It's not Fanny, it's Franny. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Fanny." The principal saw how upset Mrs. Franny was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Franny down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!" Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt."..

Might be a sign of the fuel pump giving up or muck in the fuel system/filter.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is", having never seen an elevator before. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the mo...ving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's really hit me for 6!

"For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is ****in golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night."..

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time. He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safe word twice and I'll stop. "She says "OK, what's the safe word ??? He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch