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slapshot 3

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  1. Gizza was rushed to hospital the other day with half a dozen toy plastic horses jammed up his backside... Doctors have described his condition as stable.
  2. A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......... "What the chuff would they want with a plasterer??!"
  3. Does indeed! Good to see you on Friday matey
  4. Fair play to the bloke, he got round and many didn't, yes he asked for a lot of fives but he'll still have picked up that finishers award at the end of the week!
  5. Been incredible all round!! Doug has been blindingly good this week
  6. slapshot 3

    lost it ?

    If I can chuck my oar in, I really don't think any of us really know the amount of effort every member of the SSDT organising group puts in and while we can all bleat on about a lack of info if we like but they have a shed load of stuff to do. We each have our pressures in life but these people have their lives to lead and organise the biggest trial on the planet..... don't give them a hard time!!
  7. Quoted £200 to have a £70 towbar fitted to a Focus...... can;'t even trust that one I g=had fitted to a Volvo a few years back cost me a new silencer because the salad chef that fitted it broke it and didn't bother telling me!! Wee vans can often be cheaper i the long run!
  8. 1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong" 4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. 5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. 6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it" 7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. 8. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer. 9. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't" 11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. -------------------------------------------------- I was in a nightclub queue when two men in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine." The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five." A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up." ------------------------------------ Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I Couldnt..... ...believe it when my dad got the sack for thieving from his job as a road worker. But when I got home all the signs were there ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I delivered a parcel to the surgery today... It was just what the doctor ordered
  9. It's actually Sven but he spelt it wrong.. ;0)
  10. Should have come back to this, You're right Dabster ( jeez I agreed with Dabster) sales were always low. However their presence at the Scottish and other UK trials gave us the passion for the Honda marque, how many people these days would give their eye teeth to get their hands on a good original, 80's RTL!
  11. This flying song video always makes me chuckle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VQ_3sBZEm0
  12. A young doctor moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the younger one accompany hiim on his rounds to introduce him to the community. At the first house the woman complains “ I’ve been a little sick and have a sore stomach” The older doctor says “well you’ve obviously been over doing the fresh fruit Mrs Smith, cut back on the amount you are eating and we’ll see if that does the trick.” As they left the younger doctor said, “that was brilliant, you didn’t actually examine her but you came up with that diagnosis so quickly” “I didn’t have to” the old man said, “you noticed I dropped my stethescope on the floor? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed half a dozen banana skins in the rubbish, its more than likely whats making her sick” “That’s clever” said the young doctor, “i’m goingh to try that”. Arriving at the next house they chatted with a much younger, more attractive woman, She said that she just didn;t have the energy she normally did and she was feeling really run down lately. The young doctor said “You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church, maybe cut back a bit and see if that helps”. The old doctor was impressed and said, I know that woman well and she is very active in the church and the community but how did you arrive at that diagnosis” “I did what you did Doctor”, he said “I dropped my stethescope and when I bent down to pick it up I noticed the minister naked under the bed”.
  13. CHURCH NOTICES.. The Fasting and Prayer Conference will include meals --------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled, proceeds will be used to cripple children ----------------------------------------------- This mornings sermon will be titled "Jesus walks on water"; This evening it will be "Searching for Jesus" -------------------------------------- Ladies don't forget the upcoming rummage sale, its a chance to get rid of all those things not worth keeping.. Bring your husbands, ----------------------------------- Don;t let worry kill you off, let the church help --------------------------------------------- Ms Charlene Masson sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation ------------------------------------ For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs ----------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the Choir, they need all the help they can get ---------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church, so ends a friendship that began in their schooldays --------------------------------- A Bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening on the church hall, Music will follow ----------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell"?; come early and listen to the choir ------------------------------ Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones --------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want to remember ---------------------------------- The church will host and evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility --------------------------------- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5pm, prayer and medication to follow ---------------------------------- the ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, they may be seen in the basement on Friday Afternoon --------------------------------- this evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church, Bring a blanket and be prepared to sin ----------------------------- The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet at 7pm, please use the back door --------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeares hamlet in the church basement on Friay at 7pm, the congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------------------------- Weight watchers will meet at 7pm at the first presbytarian Church, please use the large double doors at the side entrance
  14. Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message; 370HSSV 0773H Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."
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