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Which is the odd one out? A shark A lobster A crab Or a Scouser. The shark....The other 3 are thieving *******s who wear shell suits! ------------------------------------------------- Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is ------------------------------------------------- I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick. Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. NOTE If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling. -------------------------------------------------- After much brow-beating I attended Mrs. C.'s 30th year High School reunion. After a short while I noticed she had a lot of interest in a man sitting by himself at a nearby table... obviously drinking himself silly. "Do you know him?", I asked. "Yes..." said Mrs. C... "He was my boyfriend in school..." "He's been drinking ever since we broke up, so I hear... not a sober day"... Says I..."Don't you think it's a little extreme to continue celebrating that long?" ...and that's when the fight started -------------------------------------------------- A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of streets and turn to your right." Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar in the village. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied without hesitating "Oh, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office,"

Offishul secrets act ....aye... HAARP - Interesting concepts, in theoretical terms it looks damn clever stuff, big advance. Bit more reading necessary before I understand the concepts and applications in full though.

There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't... ------------------------------------------------- What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto! ----------------------------------------------------------- Descartes - To be is to do. Voltaire - To do is to be. Frank Sinatra - Do be do be do. ------------------------------------------ A duck walks into a Pub and asks for a pint, the surprised landlord exclaims "My God a talking duck!" The duck replies "Yeah, I'm working on the building site across the road. I'll be in every lunchtime for two weeks for a pint" "Fine" says the Landlord, and says no more about it. The next day the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster drops into the pub for a pint. The landlord says, "I've got just the thing for you mate! There's a talking duck that comes in here for a pint every lunchtime - If you like, when I see him I'll tell him that you are interested in him." "Oh definitely" says the ringmaster, "Tell him to get in touch as soon as possible!" Without fail the Duck pops in that lunchtime for his pint. The landlord tells the duck about the ringmaster's interest in him. The duck asks "A circus? That's a tent isn't it?" "Yes" replies the Landlord. "It's made of canvas isn't it, with big red stripes on?" enquires the duck. "Yes, that's right, you've got it!" answers the landlord excitedly. "what the hell do they want with a plasterer? -------------------------------------------- They say one in every 5 people are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family. It's not my Mum or Dad and it's not me. So it must be one of my brothers - Colin or Wan Ho Li. But I think it's Colin. ---------------------------------------------------- Where does a baby monkey sleep? In the apricot. --------------------------------- What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Answer: 'I like your belt'! --------------------------------------------------- Person 1: What's the name of the American city often referred to as the windy city? Person 2: Chicago? Person 1: Yes, very well thanks since I had it serviced! --------------------------------------------------- Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" -------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms sitting at the bar. One is looking very unhappy and depressed. His mate says, "What's up with you then?" The sad atom answers, "I've lost an electron". His mate looks surprised and asks, "Are you sure?" With a sigh the answer comes back, "Yes I'm positive!" ------------------------------------------------- Two sheep in a field. One said to the other "BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA". The other said: "Blimey, I was going to say that". --------------------------------------------------- Where is the Irish Sea? Between the Irish B and the Irish D! ------------------------------------------------------- What's small, round and giggles? A: A tickled onion ------------------------------------------------ Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink." The other - a Chihuahua owner - says "They'll never let us in with the dogs." The first replies "Just follow my lead" as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says "But, this is my Seeing Eye dog", and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog." To which the guy responds, "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!" ----------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. ------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guy that drowned in his muesli? A strong currant pulled him in! --------------------------------------------------- I lent my friend $10,000 to pay for plastic surgery. I can't get my money back because I don't what he looks like. ---------------------------------------------------------- International surgeon's conference. First a surgeon from UK takes the stand: "we transplanted a lung to sick man. After 6 weeks he recovered and now he looks for a job". Second, a French surgeon: "we took a half of heart from one man and transplanted it to another patient. After 4 weeks both of them are OK and look for a job". And then American surgeon speaks: "we took a person without brain from Texas and put him in White House. After just 2 weeks half of our country looks for a job". -------------------------------------------------------------------- A ghost walks into a pub and says, "I'll have a vodka, please." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits here." ------------------------------------------------------------ A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams... pushes on her ankle and screams, and so it goes. No matter where she touches, her agony is apparent. After some thought, the doctor says "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde". She sheepishly admits that indeed, she is a blonde. "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." ---------------------------------------------- Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. --------------------------------------- Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it." ------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." ----------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" ----------------------------------------- Have you seen the latest hairstyle? Young kids are having half their head shaved whilst leaving the other half untouched. It's called the "power cut". ------------------------------------------------ One cow says to another: "Have you heard about mad cow disease?" The other cow thinks and replies: "I am not worried - I am a parrot." ------------------------------------------------------ A man is walking down the street with a cabbage attached to a piece of string. His mate bumps into him and says - why have you got a cabbage attached to a piece of string. He replies - It's not a cabbage, it's a cauli! ------------------------------------------------ A snail is making his way through the woods when he is mugged by two slugs. He goes to the woodland police station to report the crime and, still in some considerable distress, is interviewed by the duty sergeant (probably a squirrel). In an effort to restore order, the sergeant says "Please calm down Mr Snail! It's important that you give us as much information as you can about your attackers so they can't do this sort of thing again. Now did you get a good look at their faces?" The snail replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't - it all happened so quickly!" ----------------------------------------------------- There were 2 eggs in a frying pan, one says to the other - "Blimey, it's hot in here" The other replies - "Arrgggh! A talking egg"! ----------------------------------------- I went to the doctor and said, "I think i'm a pig" - "How long have you felt like that?" he replied..."About three weeeeek weeeek weeeeeks! ------------------------------------------------------------ I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

From the late, great Les Dawson - The mother-in-law said to me "When you die, I'll dance on your grave". I said, "Good - I'm being buried at sea". ------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor, Doctor, I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint. Don't worry it's only a gilt complex. --------------------------------------------------------------- Two squid are having a row. "I saw you with that pretty young octopus again!" the female screams. "No, dear, you've got it all wrong," protests the male. "Our relationship's purely planktonic!" ------------------------------------------------ Man walks into a pub. The barman says "I bet you can't get those pieces of meat off the ceiling". The man says, "I'm not taking that bet". "Why not?", says the barman. The man replies, "Because the steaks are too high..." ----------------------------------------------------------- Two neutrons walk into a bar and order a couple of pints of lager. The first neutron goes for his wallet and the barman says, "It's OK, there's no charge...." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the Mexican fireman call his twin sons? HoseA and HoseB ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm. He chooses a table, carefully puts the tarmac on one of the chairs and walks up to the bar. "I'll have a pint of lager", he says to the barman before indicating to the tarmac "And one for the road". ------------------------------------------------------- How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb? One -------------------------------------- Scientists have finally succeeded in cloning the first human being. The clone is said to be so happy that he is beside himself. -------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years ------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Tellytubby who has been burgled? Tubby! ------------------------------------------------- How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Banana! ----------------------------------------- Q. What makes a tongue depressed? A. A tongue Depresser ---------------------------------------- What you call a man in a raincoat: Mac. What you call a man in two raincoats: Max. What you call a man in two raincoats, standing in a cemetery: Max Bygraves... ---------------------------------------------- Q: What's red and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket! Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket in disguise! --------------------------------------- A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint. Barman replies "sorry we don't serve food." ------------------------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! ------------------------------------------------------ An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?

Oh you lucky boys, just got 7 pages of new (ish) gags...... Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The manager of an office wants to motivate his staff so he puts up a sign saying "THINK" above the basin in the staff restroom. Upon returning he finds a new sign above the dispenser saying "THOAP" -------------------------------------------------------------- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "A pint of lager please barman. Oh, and a mop" ---------------------------------------------------------- A gorilla walks into a pub, goes to up to the barman and say`s `beer`. nervously the barman serves the beer. After half a dozen pints, the barman goes to where the gorilla is standing and say`s, don`t see many of your type around`. The gorilla replies` I am not suprised at

Justin...... what you inferrin about Gasser riders????

NO!!...well in the company in here "normal" is an odd concept!! ....hows yer back...

Not Aurora, a missile would explode in a much more random way and it's exhaust would not form a blue spiral shape. It's most definately not a meteorological phenomenon. I'd suggest it's a rather clever computer generated show of some sort, it's too symetrical to be anything else. Apparently, some of our real psychopathic geeks in here have been talking about this for the last day or two, to the extent that this is the first real evidence that wormholes actually exist, (they are a real wierd bunch, even I'm considered normal).

I thought it was Wayne..... I saw some definate cutting edge Sherco stuff in the background..

You wish you could get into those leg warmers!!!.....fantastic, Bet that costs more than the ossa!!!

Tim's tappin into CERN for his power

Very Good Ross, and clean as well!!!!

Unfortunately due to work, I never made Hawkestone BUT in this case damn right I will, as will the memsahib (haven't told her yet mind!!) Leave is booked, not got the tickets yet but, that's not a big issue. What do we need to do?? 1. Organise Kerry-oot 2. Sort out Cactus Juice.... 3. Clean Camera and charge batteries 4. Remind woman to get some food, sort out tent and the rest of the camping gear, pack gear for the weekend, make sure she programmes her satnav...sorted!! Justin, Copey you know the dates boys.....

As discussed last night mate, I think we have to. How good a chance is this to miss on our home turf (so's to speak). Count us in mate I'll even find some way of concocting some of Copey's cactus juice!! Switch off them Chrimbo lights mate save the money and come and join us.

Forces plates on my old 3.0l V6 Alfa in Germany.... D 365 SDT wanna respace that?? still got the plate somewhere but the registration stayed with the forces folk

f(x)=sin(x) walks into a restaurant. The waiter says 'i'm sorry, you'll have to leave we don't do functions in here.' ------------------------------------------ A group of mathmatical symbols are in a bar chilling and generally being sociable. Sigma is on his own in a corner. Lambda asks delta, "why is sigma on his own in the corner?" "oh he can't integrate"

DONT YOU DARE EMAIL THAT PIC TO ANY OF MY EMAIL ADDYS OR MY LOT WILL HAVE ME DO THE SAME THING....... CAPICHE ......need that juice mix to get through chrimbo .......

Just as well you have the three magic letters helping you out......you'd be B*****ksed otherwise young Mr Milligan ..... she'd get you

I know but I knew you would bite.... Serious bit though Tim if people do stop asking why then we never advance, cunning bit of engineering geekery!!

NB: Vaguely religeous but unoffensive....unless you are a 7-foot tall grizzly bear!! An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." ------------------------------------------------------- You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to have intercepted: To: John Hinckley From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout. The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that...

Technologically it's a clever system and maybe my physics is off this morning but this just doesn't remove a braking imbalance but it also pushes the braking forces closer to the centre of the rotating mass which should also reduce instability. Why?? Why spend billions of

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!" "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Step aside," said the mother. "You stay here and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Retirement After working at the local jelly factory for the past 10 years, I have decided to leave. I was getting too set in my ways. I milked cows for forty years and all I got in retirement was a pat on the back! I used to work in a sewage farm. In the end I had to quit, as I was just going through the motions I used to be an artist, I could always draw a crowd. --------------------------------------------------------------- Billy was driving along the M2 when he got stuck in a traffic jam on the way to Belfast. Suddenly a man knocks on the window, Billy rolls down the window and asks

Make sure you PM Turbo with the number folks...